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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Dangling Bait: A woman called police after someone stole some items from her purse on a trip to visit her husband. She said that she was visiting her man at the Carolina Rehabilitation Center when someone stole 206 OxyContin pills from her purse, along with her wallet. That's like hiring Miley Cyrus to be the new host of To Catch a Predator. Leave the ridiculous amount of pills at home next time.

Hot and Cold: A 47-year-old man called police after being threatened by a known suspect over the phone. The suspect called him four times, and during one of the calls he said, "I am going to fuck you up and take care of you." It's always scary to know that harm is coming your way, but it's also comforting to know you will have someone to take care of you afterward.

The Pop-Up: A 23-year-old woman called police after coming to the conclusion that she was being stalked by a man she knows. In the police report, the victim says that the man used to call her to harass her until she got her phone cut off. Now he simply pops up at the places she shops and at the Laundromat she regularly attends. The man always acts as if it's a coincidence, yet when she leaves and goes elsewhere to shop, he always happens to be going there as well. "Oh, what a coincidence – I was shopping for wedding dresses and tampons today, too!"

Eye for an Eye: A 46-year-old man called police after being threatened by a neighbor with an unruly pet. The man told police that the neighbor approached him and stated, "If you call animal control on my dog, I will shoot your damn dog and then I'll kick your ass." I know how Michael Vick would handle a situation like this. He would run ... what did you think I was going to say?

Just Plain Weird: Police were called to a local Wal-Mart after catching a man attempting to shoplift a variety of items. The man was caught trying to leave the store with pork chitlins, Robitussin cough syrup, a magazine, Mickey Mouse underwear, a training bra, fake eyelashes, a kit for doing your nails, another bra, an Usher CD, little girl panties, earrings, a Mickey Mouse scarf, girl's blue jeans, a fleece, Mariah Carey perfume, boy's clothing and a girl's jacket. He's getting a head start on next Halloween; looks like he's planning to dress as a Southern, child-molesting, cross-dressing prostitute with a cold.

Don't Forget Me: A 19-year-old woman called police after her house was broken into. The crook took a diamond bracelet, a gold bracelet, a diamond and gold engagement ring, $800 in cash and one of the victim's son's children's books. My dad went on a B&E and all I got was this crappy copy of Goodnight, Moon.

Clobbering Time: A 28-year-old man called police after he was threatened by a known suspect. He said that he was talking on the phone with the man and during the conversation the suspect stated, "I am going to kill you. If I can't get to you, I will break your car." What does it even take to break a car? Is he going to break a window or literally lift the car and break it in half on his knee? Because that I would like to see.

The Gambler: A 24-year-old woman called police to report threats she had received from a known suspect over the phone. The woman said that the suspect stated, "I will be up there to murder you. You want to be fuckin' stupid. I will see you tomorrow bitch. I will bet you on that." Now it's really going to suck if you see this person the next day because you will lose $20 and die.

Computer Terrorist: A 12-year-old girl filed a police report after being threatened by one of her "friends" on MySpace. She told police that the suspect left her a message on the social media Web site stating that he was going to shoot up the victim's residence. This should be a new option on all social networking sites. Would you like to friend this person? Send a message to this person? Threaten to kill this person?

Loyalty: A 26-year-old woman called police after receiving a threat over the phone. The woman said another woman called and said, "I'll whoop your ass if you don't leave my man alone." Because whatever happened couldn't possibly be the guy's fault.

Threat of the Week: A 28-year-old man called police after being repeatedly harassed and threatened by a known suspect. He told police that the man called him 31 times from a restricted number, stating, "If I catch you I'm going to kick your ass." The victim did what any self-respecting man would do and passed the phone to his 18-year-old girlfriend who took the brunt of the message. The suspect told her, "I'm going to come over there and beat the living hell out of you with a tire iron."

Blotter items are chosen from the file of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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