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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

White Boy Wasted: Police were dispatched to a local convenience store in response to a robbery call for service. When they arrived, officers encountered two "extremely intoxicated" white males. When the officers told the subjects to leave, one of the men ran straight into traffic, just barely avoiding being hit by a car. The other man suddenly pulled a knife on the security guard that was already on the scene when police arrived. Sounds like a good Saturday night to me. What's the problem?

Want My Baby Back: A 27-year-old woman filed a police report after being harassed and threatened by her boyfriend. She told officers that she left the couple's residence after a heated argument. The following day, she received 100 texts in a span of three hours. In one text the suspect stated, "You're going to jail if you don't come back with that child." In another he said, "You are going to get what is coming to you and it will be sweeter if it's me that does it to you." That's what she said! OK, now that joke can be officially retired.

See No Evil: Police responded to multiple assaults at a LYNX station to find that some people don't know when to just keep quiet. A 16-year-old girl told officers she was watching some suspects assault a boy when she said, "It's not right for all those people to jump on one boy." One of the suspects in the fray then approached her and punched her in the face, causing a scratch above the nose and swelling to the left side of her face.

You Got Punk'd: A 56-year-old woman called police after falling victim to a scam. She filed a report claiming that a man rang her doorbell and claimed to be an employee of Time Warner Cable. He said they were running a promotion exclusive to her neighborhood and if she gave him the cash for the installation now, he would be back the next day to hook her up. Needless to say, he never came back. People are so stupid. I don't need to be writing this damn column – I should just start selling Creative Loafing door to door.

My Boys: A 26-year-old man called police after being threatened over the phone by two suspects. The two men called him at his home 20 times. The one suspect that the victim knows told him, "It is best that you don't go back to Christopher's. Next time, you will have your ass kicked or my boys will be there to arrest you."

Abuse The Odds: Police were called to a local convenience store after a man shoplifted and got away with it. Employees told officers a man got out of the passenger seat of a running car and ran in the store. He grabbed one lottery ticket from over the counter and ran out to the getaway vehicle. You're going about this all wrong; there's an actual cash register sitting right there. It has real money in it.

Getting Old: A 16-year-old boy filed a police report after being threatened through a third party on Facebook. He said that one suspect wrote him a message stating, "You're lucky (suspect two) is 18 years old now and doesn't want to go to jail for beating you up." He later threatened him by stating, "(Suspect two) sent me to beat your ass." I remember the depression and isolated feeling of turning 18 and struggling with the fact that you can't just go around beating up younger kids. Yes, acting like a grown-up will be tough for you.

Early Start: A 14-year-old girl filed a police report after something happened ... maybe ... kind of. She told police she got drunk at a party and thinks she may have been involved in some sexual activity. Did the people from Above the Influence make this report up? I remember this exact thing happening on a commercial once.

Like Taking Candy: A 38-year-old woman filed a police report after she realized that her baby daughter had been robbed. She told officers that she had dropped the 12-month-old off at her babysitter's for the day wearing a 24-carat gold necklace with diamonds and sapphires on it. When she came and picked her daughter up later, it was gone. This case will crack in a couple of months – when the only witness finally starts speaking.

Threat of the Week: A 23-year-old woman called police after being threatened over the phone. She told police that an unknown woman called her 50 times and during one call stated, "I'm gonna beat your ass and your ugly ass baby. I will smash you." I have just the thing that baby needs: a nice little diamond and sapphire necklace.

Blotter items are chosen from the file of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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