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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Bad Programming: Police responded to a domestic disturbance and spoke with the victim outside the residence. He told officers that someone unlawfully and willfully damaged a bedroom door by throwing a TV through it. This has been happening a lot lately – ever since Jersey Shore started airing on MTV.

Ninja Assassin: Last week, a woman called police to report that her 10-year-old son had been assaulted in her home. She said that at 11:15 p.m. her son came downstairs, and the suspect started throwing knives at him. She told him not to leave that bedroom after lights out, and I promise you that kid will never do it again.

Be Strong: A 26-year-old woman called police after her ex-boyfriend violated a restraining order she had taken out on him. She said the man came to her house and kicked down the door in order to speak to her about their "failing relationship." I think once restraining orders are filed and doors are kicked in, you're moving past the "failing" stage.

Drinking Games: Police responded to a loud disturbance at a motel, where they found two middle-aged men who had been fighting. One man, let's call him Ronny, told officers that he just came to visit with his friend, Danny, in his motel room. He then fell asleep, only to wake up later getting punched repeatedly in the face by Danny. Danny admitted to this beating, but said that Ronny had punched him in the face earlier in the night. Both were clearly intoxicated and admitted they couldn't really remember much of the night. Both were taken to jail, and Charlotte was better off for just a few hours.

Bully: The mother of an 11-year-old girl called police after her daughter was threatened at Ranson Middle School. She told police another girl told her daughter, "I have a problem with you. You talk too much. I'm going to beat you up." You don't mess with the girl who talks too much – she tells people.

Home Cooking: A 52-year-old man called police after he was assaulted by his wife. He told officers the woman threw a dinner plate at him, hitting him in the face. The plate shattered and caused a laceration on his left arm. Looks like he insulted her cooking one too many times. When she's back from jail, try takeout; tell them to bring paper plates.

No Knife Left Behind: A 20-year-old woman called police after being assaulted and robbed by an acquaintance. She said the suspect reached into her pockets and stole her cell phone and all of her knives. The suspect then struck her in the ear with his hand. What kind of madman must you be to take every single knife and not leave her with one? How is she supposed to eat steak from now on?

Nothing Left Behind: A 43-year-old man and his wife called police after coming home from dinner to find that their house had been emptied of all its electronics and more. They told officers that two unknown suspects took their ATM cards, birth certificates, cell phones, Nintendo Wii, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360, PSP, three computers, two plasma TVs, entertainment system, two DVD players, two camcorders, camera, assorted jewelry, rifle, sword, navigation system and 22-inch rims with tires. I might've believed that you could have owned all that stuff until you mentioned the sword; at that point, you're reaching.

Rude Awakening: A 30-year-old woman called police after her roommate woke her up in an odd manner. She told officers she was sleeping in her room when the suspect entered and asked her for some money. When she refused to give her roomie any money, the woman left and she returned to sleep. A few minutes later, she woke up to her friend pouring a plastic jug of water on her and screaming. She then began punching and scratching the victim on the stomach and shoulder area.

Picture This: A 46-year-old man called police after he was assaulted by his boyfriend. The man told him that he was arguing with his boyfriend when the man became upset and lunged at him. The victim was cut on his lip after the suspect hit him with a picture. "Hey, did I ever tell you about my trip to Cancun?" "Yes, you beat the image into my brain."

Holiday Spirit: A 60-year-old woman called police after being the victim of a theft. She told police that somebody unplugged the artificial Christmas tree in her front yard and stole it. What are the odds that the tree will end up with presents under it that were actually paid for?

Threat of the Week: A 27-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a known suspect. The suspect called her cell phone 55 times and at one point said, "If you bring your ass to Huntersville, I will kill you. Better yet, I will come to your mama's house and kill you." You can't just decide where you are going to kill someone. They have to be there as well.

Blotter items are chosen from the file of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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