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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Hobo Wars: Police responded to an assault call after a 40-year-old man and a 75-year-old woman were harassed and hit in Steele Creek. The woman told police that two men approached her friend and her and punched her. The man said that one of the suspects charged at him with a shopping cart full of stuff and "got all up in his personal space." It can be tough to slow down your Mario Kart once you unexpectedly hit a speed booster.

Priority List: A 37-year-old woman called police after being threatened over the phone by a known suspect. The victim stated that the suspect thinks that she has some of his property at her house. He called one day last week and stated, "You could be taken care of, and you will be dealt with." Basically he's saying that although he probably has all sorts of demanding responsibilities that adulthood comes with, you won't slip through the cracks. You will regret ever having possession of his favorite wife beater.

Migraine: A 29-year-old woman called police after being threatened by her boyfriend during a fight. The man was arguing with her and asked, "What do I have to do to make this better? Put one in your head?" Well, I was going to say buy some flowers, but I guess you're on a budget. The victim told police she takes that to mean putting a bullet in her head. He may have been talking about a GPS locator device – perfect for cheating spouses.

Phone Time: A 43-year-old woman called police after she was assaulted during a fight with her husband. She told officers that the two were fighting over who was going to use the one phone they have in the house. The husband became irate and pushed the woman out of the spare bedroom into a wall and locked the door. Why do you guys keep the one phone you have in your house in the spare bedroom? That's what I want to know.

Ferris Bueller: A concerned mother called police after her 15-year-old son ran away from home. She said that she woke the kid up one morning and told him to get ready to go to school. At hearing this, the kid got up from bed and ran out of the house. He left the area with a group of friends who oddly enough must have just been standing there in the front yard at 6 a.m. You live and you learn. Next time tell him to wake up, and get ready for paintball. He might wear some strange outfit to school, but it'll work.

Richard Pryor: Police and fire crews responded to a fire call to try to determine if it was arson. They found a distraught 62-year-old woman smoking in her apartment, in more ways than one. The woman suffered second and third degree burns to her head, left ear, right shoulder and left thumb after lighting herself on fire while trying to light a cigarette. Smoking will kill anybody in the long run. It kills dumb people a lot quicker. Try to go easy on the hairspray next time.

Fashion Statement: A 23-year-old woman called police after she was robbed on West Boulevard. She said that someone snatched off the fanny pack that was holding her license, Social Security card, her son's Social Security card, her credit card, her debit card, $180 in cash and a digital camera. What, are there tourists on West Boulevard now? I'm 23, and if I ever see one of my peers wearing a fanny pack, I might snatch it out of principle.

Not My Lexus: A 23-year-old woman called police after she and her boyfriend were threatened over the phone. Two suspects had called and texted them 11 times in two days, making different threats. During one call the suspect stated, "You better watch your Lex, it's gonna get fucked up. Then we're gonna kill your asses." Why do people consistently threaten to vandalize people's property before killing them? Like there's some parking lot in heaven that everyone hangs out at and everyone will be laughing at you when you pull up.

ACTUALLY KIND OF SCARY: A 45-year-old woman called police after the ridiculous amount of threats she was getting from a certain man made her have to shut off her phone. He called her once at exactly midnight and stated, "Now's the time. I am gonna slice your face up and rape you."

Patience: A 44-year-old man called police after being threatened over the phone. A man called and said, "I've been waiting to kick your ass." The key to life is setting goals.

Threat of the Week: A 20-year-old man called police after being threatened by a known suspect. The suspect called him late one night and stated, "I'm coming to your house to fuck up your family's life and blow your house up." At least that drunk uncle who works with explosives has finally gained a sense of honesty.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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