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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

In The Shop: Police responded to a call in north Charlotte and found nobody home. When they went out around back, however, they found a 2-year-old boy wandering around in the shed unattended. "Just fixing the brake on this here Big Wheels, officer. Is there a problem?"

Backyard Barbecue: Police responded to an emergency call in the Eastway area after a boy burned himself. Officers found out that the 11-year-old boy was playing with gasoline in the backyard when it ignited and gave him a second-degree burn on his right leg. The father was cited for "contributing to a juvenile delinquency" for not securing the six containers of highly flammable liquid before letting his children play in the yard. The 2-year-old in the shed knows his gasoline safety kid; act your age.

Behind the Times: A man was arrested after police spotted him walking down Griers Grove Road trying to hide something. After stopping him, it was found that he was concealing a dagger. I think the super villain convention has been canceled this year ... you can go home now.

Road Distractions: A 53-year-old man called police after he was assaulted by his brother while driving to their grandmother's house (where they live). He told officers that he was driving down the road when his brother asked if he could use his phone. When the victim denied, the suspect hit him in the back of the head. No wonder they live with their grandmother. Once you hit 50 years old, all that petty fighting gets, well, old.

Keeping Focus: A 19-year-old woman called police after falling victim to a similar road rage incident – but with her playing a different role. She told officers that her and the suspect got into an argument while the suspect was driving. The man then used his only free hand to push her head into the passenger side window, shattering it. At least he wasn't texting. Because you know that's against the law, right?

No Harm Done: A woman was fired from her job and charged with theft after company officials, acting on a tip from a co-worker, caught her stealing. After searching the purse she kept in her work locker, they found that she took three DVDs from a recycle bin that holds "throw away" DVDs, which are scheduled to be destroyed. Give those DVDs a face and a voice and you've got yourself a Pixar movie.

Going Peaceful: A 25-year-old man called police after being threatened by a known suspect. The man called him at 10 a.m. and stated, "I am going to kill you while you're sleeping." You have until nightfall to assemble the biggest stockpile of cocaine and coffee you can get your hands on. Good luck.

Taking Baby Steps: Police were called to a local Food Lion after a man was arrested for shoplifting. The witness told officers that he saw the man leave the store with a bottle of soda and place it outside near the parking lot. The man then re-entered the store and grabbed another bottle of soda. This is when employees stopped him. Do you not realize that most gas stations keep their two liters basically in the parking lot? That step has already been done for you.

Visions of Grandeur: A 20-year-old woman called police after being threatened by another woman. The suspect stated, "I'm going to slap you. You have no idea who you're messing with. I am crazy." Your name has been filed in a police report so she does know exactly who she's messing with.

Evil Mechanic: A 34-year-old woman called police after her roommate's boyfriend threatened her. He called and stated, "If you don't let me talk to my girl, I'm going to do something to your car." With the women I've dated, I'd actually come detail a roommate's car and hook up a sound system for free if they could block their access to me.

Fat Kid: Police were called to a local McDonald's after a community hero stepped in on one of the worst childhoods ever. The man told officers he was handling his business in the fast food establishment's bathroom when it became clear that a child was being beaten in the stall. He opened the door and pulled the 3-year-old boy's father out. That'll teach the kid to get his Happy Meal toy off the tray before I slide it in the garbage. See you in line at the grocery store.

Threat of the Week: Police responded to an emergency call last Sunday after a man had about one case of beer too many. The witness on the scene told police he called 911 four separate times trying to convince them of his villainous plans. He told emergency operators at one point that if police did not arrive in 10 minutes he would, "blow 911 up." The police must've responded in time because some investigative journalism led me to find that 911 is still up and running. We must band together to fight domestic terrorism.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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