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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Creepin': A 27-year-old woman called police after someone took quite an interest in her personal life. She said that when she approached her car after work one day last week she found a note attached to the windshield that indicated the suspect was "following who she is and is not in a dating relationship with." She told officers the suspect also left a note on the car of a man she knows that listed when he was with the woman and where they were. This is probably what the host of that show Cheaters does in his spare time.

Ready for Bed: Police were called to Waddell High School to investigate a sexual assault claim. A 15-year-old girl who attended the school told officers that she was sitting in class next to a boy. The boy suddenly pretended to yawn, and as he did so, stretched out his arm and touched the victim in an inappropriate place. Hope it wasn't because he gave her test answers and then tried to make her return the favor.

Clumsy: A 24-year-old man called police after losing one of his most prized possessions. He told officers he was fishing on Lake Norman last week (WHAT?) and was leaning over the boat to grab a fish when he dropped his 9 mm gun to the bottom of the lake. This reminds me of that time I was hunting. I was just getting ready to hook a huge stag, and I dropped my fishing pole right out of the tree.

More Creepin': A 22-year-old woman called police after catching a Peeping Tom in the act. She said she was using the restroom at Northlake Mall when a man walked in. She could tell it was a man because he was coughing and making noise. The man then began looking through the cracks of the girl's stall and watching her handle her business. Creepy ... and, imagining the sights and smells he experienced, gross.

That's Deep: Police were called to St. Paul's Community Baptist Church last week after volunteers at the church found that the landscaping around several gravesites was dug up. I always sort of thought grave robbing was a thing of the past, or a myth altogether. I guess everyone needs a hobby.

Got Her On Lock: A 14-year-old girl called police after being threatened repeatedly by her mother. She told officers that she was sent to her room by the mother after an argument. After the argument, the mother told her daughter she would kill her if she continued to act out. Later on in the day, the mother told the girl that if she went to sleep, she would kill her. Training for these beauty pageants is tough work. Hey, I know – I watch the reality shows.

Snuff It: Paramedics and police responded to two creatively attempted suicides last week. One 26-year-old woman swallowed a bottle of Clorox after an argument with her husband. She's been shitting crisp whites for the last week. Also, a 48-year-old man was transported to the hospital after attempting to end his life by inhaling propane from a tank in his yard. A fart joke here would just be too childish, I guess.

Get Nailed: A 33-year-old man called police after being threatened by a very scary man. He told officers that a man he had been arguing with earlier in the day approached him and yelled, "I will kill you," while unsuccessfully trying to remove a hammer from his pants. This just sounds funny.

Too Easy: A 46-year-old woman called police after realizing her car had been stolen, and she had given the thieves her keys. She told officers two suspects came to her residence and identified themselves as vehicle recovery agents. They said they were there to repossess her car and she voluntarily handed over the keys. When she called the finance company the men claimed to be working for, they said that she had no such problems on her record. I guess there is something more embarrassing than getting your car repossessed.

Daddy Day Care: A man was arrested last week after being caught during a burglary in the Ballantyne area. The man was charged with breaking and entering as well as child neglect – due to the fact that he had to tell police he left a 1-year-old boy back home while he burglarized his targeted business center.

Threat of the Week: A 60-year-old woman called police after being threatened over the phone by a neighbor. She told officers the woman called her and stated, "I am going to throw a bomb in your yard. What do you want here? Anyway, we don't need white people in our neighborhood. I wouldn't even let my dog mess with you. Go back to Germany, bitch, or I will kill you." In the police report, the victim is listed as black.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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