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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

In Good Hands: Two employees of Woodlawn Child Development Center called police after being threatened by a known associate. They told officers a woman who used to work with them and was recently fired called and threatened to do bodily harm to the victims. Yeah, why don't you come back tomorrow and continue to work with small children whose parents have paid you to keep them safe.

Ladies Man: A 22-year-old woman called police after her family was threatened by a known suspect over the phone. The man called 40 times and during one morning phone call stated, "Since you won't answer the phone, your daughters are going to enjoy at night what you don't." I thought this was funny until I remembered that the damn mom is only 22! A child molester that talks like Yoda from Star Wars? That's just creepy.

Extra Credit: A police report was filed last week after a 15-year-old girl found a video that a suspect had made of her undergarments while she was sitting behind a desk in class. It does not state in the report whether this was some sort of sick staff member or the more probable suspect: a classmate with a videophone and a sneaky hand. The parents did not wish to prosecute, which makes me think it was some dumb kid messing around.

My Knots Won't Fit: A man was arrested at a meeting with his parole officer last week after showing up to the meeting with a suspicious amount of cash. After finding that the man was carrying $3,615 on his person, police were called to search the man's car, where they found $2,350 worth of Hydrocodone pills. It became clear something was wrong when the man complained that the soda machine wasn't accepting his $1,000 bills.

Go Find Him: A 24-year-old woman called police after being repeatedly harassed and threatened over the phone by a former boyfriend. She told officers that the man called multiple times in a 30-minute span after being told not to call back. She then stated that the suspect currently resides somewhere in Germany. So we'll be sure to request that next time Hillary Clinton is in Germany, she'll search for this man and beg the nation's president for extradition. Change your damn number.

Get Fit: A 27-year-old woman called police after her car was stolen by a friend. She told officers that she let the friend borrow the car to "run to the store" and come right back. As you probably guessed, 24 hours later the car was still missing in action. Now this woman will know what it is like to really run to the store.

Want My Baby Back: A 57-year-old man called police after his wife assaulted him with her own hard work. He told officers the couple got into an argument during dinner and she picked an entire rack of ribs off of her plate and slammed him over the head with it, causing scratches and bruises. She later tried to break the plate over his head, as well. When all was said and done, I'm sure this guy didn't look any different from how I look after legitimately eating an entire rack of ribs.

Lord Have Mercy: A 27-year-old woman called police after being threatened over the phone. She told officers that the man called her and stated, "I am going to have mercy on you. I am going to have two of my do-boys to handle it for me." If he means the Pillsbury Doughboys, then you're in the clear. They're ticklish. Be glad he doesn't send that creepy Cheeto's cat; that guy will pull a prank on you.

'A' For Attitude: Police were called to Northeast Middle School last week after a student threatened one of the teachers. The woman told officers that the student was mad about receiving a zero after refusing to do his work in class and told her he was going to "pop a cap in her butt." She told the student she was calling 911, and he was still receiving a zero but that she appreciated the cap metaphor.

Family Bonding: A woman recently called police after realizing that her family was having fun without her. She told officers that her 17-year-old daughter ran off with her grandmother (the victim's mother) for the second time that week. I guess it hurts when you realize that your mother didn't just dislike kids all that time – she just disliked you.

Threat of the Week: A 19-year-old girl called police after being threatened over the phone by a former boyfriend. She told officers the man called and texted her phone 30 times in one day. The man texted, "LOL. You hurt me, so Imma hurt you. LOL. That's why your documents are burning such as your SS card, ID and medical card." I'm only guessing this was one of the texts and not a call because if someone talks like that, he has more problems than we thought.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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