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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Piss Drunk: A police officer arrested a man in the NoDa area after he couldn't hold it in any longer. The officer came across a woman and her two friends at an intersection and escorted them to their vehicle. When they arrived at the car, the only male in the group stood in plain view of the officer and an unrelated female pedestrian, unzipped his pants and began urinating all over the place. He was then placed under arrest and transported to jail, where I'm sure he proceeded to shit in the corner of his cell.

Casanova: Police were called to a local Wal-Mart after a man was caught attempting to shoplift. An employee observed a man trying to conceal a few different things in his jacket and walk out of the store. When security approached him, he returned to the register and tried to dump his two Banquet frozen dinners and bottle of cheap wine before making his unsuccessful escape. Don't worry, even if she was the easiest person in the world to impress, you were still never getting laid with the date you had planned.

Cold-Blooded: Police responded to a domestic-violence call in West Charlotte after a boy was punished and forgotten. The complainant was an 11-year-old boy who told police that on March 1, his mother sent him out to the patio as an act of punishment and told him he couldn't come in until she said so. The woman then fell asleep, leaving the boy out in the night as the temperatures dropped below 30 degrees. Neighborhood kids were befuddled the next day when he began shaking at the thought of playing in the heavy snowfall.

Live By a Code: A 48-year-old man called police after being threatened by a neighbor. The neighbor approached him early in the morning and stated, "You called city code didn't you? If I see you, I will whip your motherfucking black ass. Don't come on my property."

Now Go Learn: A woman was arrested in Northeast Charlotte last week for crimes against her children. An employee of a local library told police the woman dropped her two 11-year-old children off early in the morning on a day they were supposed to be in school. If you don't trust the school system and you're too lazy to home school, you have to do something. They'll come out having no idea about multiplication but knowing what factors led to the Cuban Missile Crisis.

Escort, Please: A 45-year-old woman called police after realizing that her brother was missing. She told officers that he had been released from a local psychiatric ward early that morning and had failed to come straight home as he was supposed to do. Nobody thought it was a good idea to pick him up this morning?

Innocence Defined: A 26-year-old woman called police after being threatened over the phone by a man she's apparently had problems with in the past. She told officers the man called her from the Mecklenburg County jail and told her that if she didn't drop the charges against him, he would kill her and her children. You accepted the phone call? What did you think he was going to do ... thank you?

Soooo Meaty: A 32-year-old woman called police after she was assaulted by her live-in boyfriend. She told officers that the two of them were in bed early in the morning when he suddenly woke up and started an argument with her. When she woke up and sat up in bed, the man threw a sandwich at her and grabbed her around the neck. At first she was amazed, yet became angry when she realized the sandwich she had been dreaming of had no mustard.

Future Casanova: Police were called to a local middle school after a young girl was sexually assaulted by a fellow student. The girl told officers that the boy came up behind her when she was walking down the hallway and touched her breast area. When confronted, the boy jokingly walked away and laughingly told a fellow classmate what had happened. Karma will rear its head when this dumb bastard is 30 years old and still telling his friends the story of that one time he touched a boobie.

Prayer for Two: A 35-year-old man called police after being threatened over the phone by a known suspect. The suspect stated, "I'm gonna shoot myself; but before I do take myself out, I'm gonna take you out, too. You better get yourself straight with God." No, I think I better get myself straight with a nice new pistol and worry about God later.

Threat of the Week: An 18-year-old woman called police after a known suspect threatened her and her unborn baby over the phone. The suspect called her and stated, "I'm going to come over to your house and beat your ass. Then your baby is going to have Down Syndrome." Will a well-placed Sarah Palin joke here get me some attention from Fox News? Or did Seth MacFarlane beat me to the punch?

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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