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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

New Paint Job: A 59-year-old woman called police after her car was vandalized while she drove in it. She told officers she was driving down I-85 across the Sugar Creek exit when someone dropped a 50-gallon paint bucket from the bridge above. The can did not open but did damage her headlights, front bumper and undercarriage. Modern art is getting a little out of control these days.

Gone Tippin': A woman in Ballantyne called police last month after waking up to an odd smell. She told officers that when she went out to her car in the morning she discovered that, overnight, someone had tipped two porta-potties from the construction site next door over and into her yard. That's a shitty way to wake up.

Ready or Not: A 38-year-old Jeep-driving woman called police after being threatened by a known suspect. She told officers the man sent her a text message that stated, "Don't let me see that Jeep or it's gunplay." Craigslist ad: New Jeep for sale. Runs good. Nice sound system. Might get you killed as you drive around the city.

Holy Moses: A 67-year-old woman filed a police report after her front yard was vandalized. She told police that at midnight, an unknown suspect set fire to the bushes outside of her house. That might have been what happened – or God was trying to appoint you to lead people somewhere and you turned the hoses on him. You really blew it this time lady.

Fun-Filled Day: An employee of a store called Woodie's contacted police after a man broke into the shop overnight. She told officers that the man, who is known to hang around that area, picked up a cement parking divider that was supposed to be bolted into the ground and threw it through the window. He then made off with 2,604 scratch-off lottery tickets (valued at $4,545) and seven packs of cigarettes. The suspect was located shortly after right down the street, probably looking for a penny to scratch off those tickets. He was found to be in possession of two crack pipes, two push rods and steel wool.

The Bigger Man: A 52-year-old woman called police after being assaulted by her husband. She told officers that she was attempting to apologize to him for an argument they had the previous night when he pushed her in the chest with his open hands. Let me give you some advice: When he gets out of jail, let him apologize.

Grocery Shopping: A man was arrested at a local Wal-Mart after getting caught shoplifting by loss prevention officers. The man tried to leave the store with flea drops, scent oils, deodorant, toothpaste and air fresheners. Another man was arrested at Compare Foods for trying to steal an Air Wick, Glade PlugIns and a case of beer. I'd rather hang out with the second guy. He might not smell good, but as long as you have beer and you don't have fleas, you're good with me.

Make It Rain: A 27-year-old woman called police after a man stole some cash from her in the parking lot of a Harris Teeter. She told officers she was attempting to put $180 in cash back into her wallet when she dropped it. All of the cash blew toward a car on the other side of the parking lot and, as if they were just waiting for this to happen, two men hopped out of the car and grabbed it all up mid-flight. They then hopped back in their car and drove off. When Magneto and Professor X get bored, bad things happen.

Mathematics: A 27-year-old woman called police after being threatened by an ex-boyfriend who I'm sure isn't upset about the breakup at all. The man called her repeatedly over the span of three days and when she stopped answering her calls, he showed up at her house. While standing in the front yard he stated, "I have two bullets for my gun; one for you and one for me." How could you dump such a caring man who is ready to share everything he has with you?

Good Business: ABC officers entered a bar on Albemarle Road last week and found three rule violations of the North Carolina ABC liquor laws. The broken laws included intoxication by employee; illegal drug use; and illegal storage and disposal of liquor containers. I'm sorry – is that frowned upon in this state?

Threat of the Week: A 30-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a known suspect. She told officers that while she was at work, the man stated, "If you don't do it my way, I am going to fuck your life up. I was in the military, and I can kill you in one move."

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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