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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Finders Keepers: A 24-year-old woman called police after she was the victim of a theft. She told officers that she was driving down the road and just happened to drop her purse out the window. When she turned back around for it, an unknown suspect tried to pick it up at the same time. As they both reached for it, the suspect punched her in the face and ran off. That's nothing compared to when I shot a man who reached for my lucky penny.

Base Hit: A 14-year-old boy called police after being coached a little too heavily. He told officers he was assaulted by his baseball coach. The victim stated that the man threw a baseball at him, causing some visible redness. You can't press charges on the pitching machine just because you went to pick up your gum on home plate.

Plan B: An employee of a local Old Navy store called police after a man and woman tried to shoplift. The employee told police that the couple entered the store and started stuffing clothes in their bags. Once the suspects "knew that they were caught on to," they grabbed handfuls of infant clothes and ran out of the store. The suspects hopped into a Cadillac and got away. It was just like taking clothes for a baby.

No Patience: A 47-year-old woman called police after being assaulted by her boyfriend. She told officers the man struck her about the face and head with an open hand and told her "she wasn't going home and she would do what he said or he would burn her house down" (not funny). Then the man called her four times to threaten her as the police were interviewing her in person (kinda funny).

Want Some?: Police encountered a young man roaming the streets while they rode their beat last week and asked if he was of age to be out past curfew. The kid told them he was well above 16 and had the identification to prove it. As he reached into his pocket to grab this ID, he pulled out a bag of weed along with it. And ever since that fateful day, rookies have been called "green."

All That Racket: A 36-year-old woman called police after being assaulted by a known suspect. She told officers that the suspect threw a tennis ball at her face, hitting her hard. Two other women who witnessed the spectacle stepped in, and the suspect became agitated, telling them all that he would come back and kill them. I think it's time that Serena Williams' dad gave up on the other three sisters.

Bump and Grind: Police were called to the Bank of America Corporate Center after an assault took place at a high school prom. The 16-year-old female victim told officers that she was dancing with a male friend when she accidentally bumped into another girl. This other girl responded by spitting in her face and storming off. This is the reason I never went to prom when I was in school ... or is it?

Shhhhh: A 58-year-old man called police after he felt threatened. He told officers that some unknown suspects were causing a disturbance in the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Library's main branch, until security broke it up. Just read it again, it's funny.

Reality TV: The owner of a local Cricket store called police after he didn't like what show he was watching. He calmly told dispatchers that he had been watching three males attempt to break into his store on a surveillance video that he had wired to his house. He then stated that he hopes the next episode of The Real World doesn't involve him filing for bankruptcy.

Cutting Class: Police were called to James Martin Middle School after an assault took place. A 14-year-old boy told officers that another boy attacked him by cutting him with a pair of scissors. He was just trying to turn you into a 100 identical children holding hands.

Remembrance: A 19-year-old woman called police after recalling that she might have been beat up a little a bit. She told officers that during the course of the two-year relationship that she had just ended, she had been struck and choked multiple times. I would say that once you start committing felonies against your significant other, you better start remembering all of the anniversaries and birthdays – because she has your number.

Just Lost: A 43-year-old woman called police after she was unable to locate a movie that she had rented from Blockbuster titled The Fourth Kind. Seriously.

Threat of the Week: A 39-year-old man called police after being threatened by his old sweetheart. He told officers that the woman texted him and stated, "Say something else about my momma and my kid, and I will come to Charlotte and fuck you up. If I have to come to Charlotte, I will fuck you up." The former couple was arguing about their daughter. You might want to wait until she's in jail to tell her your daughter got an "F" in Social Studies.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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