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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Cookie Monster: Police were called to a house in Charlotte last week after a woman and her son got into a bit of a fight. The woman told officers that the son pushed her in the chest as she attempted to calm him down during the fight. The 15-year-old son told police that his mother threw a container of cookie dough at his chest, leaving a large red mark and a scratch. During a later search, the boy was found to have a small amount of marijuana in his pocket and a pipe. I think this woman is very smart to realize that when an angry kid high on weed charges at you, just throw some cookie dough at him as a distraction.

How Dare You: A 14-year-old girl called police after being the victim of a heinous crime at the hands of an older man. She told police that she skipped school last week and spent the day drinking beer with a guy who supplied it all without asking for money. Damn. When I was in school I had to pay – sometimes extra – to be mentally abused in such a way.

Too Busy: A 41-year-old man was reported missing by his brother after he decided he would finally get around to it. He said that his brother, whom he was "kind of taking care of" due to his mental issues, had not been in contact with him since May 1. His brother's ex-wife began calling him on May 4, checking up on his whereabouts and stating that she couldn't get ahold of him. On May 11, he filed the report, telling police that he had just now found the time to do it. Maybe your brother went to find someone who gives a shit about his well-being.

Growing Your Business: After being tipped off by an informant about an apartment with a lot of drug paraphernalia, cops raided an address at Campus Edge Apartments in the University area. Police seized $605; a power box; two books and a DVD related to horticulture; a grinder; a scale; countless plastic bags; $100 worth of marijuana; two pipes; and three bongs. They apparently never listened to Biggie: "Never get high on your own supply."

Watch Your Language: A 39-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a woman she's had problems with in the past. The victim was at the Oaklawn Language Academy when the suspect approached her and stated, "I am tired of this B.S., I will meet you anywhere, this will end." At which time a teacher from the school approached and taught the suspect all about run-on sentences.

TV Dinners: A 35-year-old woman called police after coming home from work to find that her house had been broken into. She told officers that someone came in through a window and stole her 52-inch TV, two pork chops, a two-liter of soda and a couple of frozen dinners. The thief then went back to his box in the woods – and that's when he remembered he doesn't have any kitchen appliances or electricity.

Hot Merchandise: Employees at Queen City Motel called police after one of their guests stole from them. They told officers that upon cleaning the room that someone had just left, they realized that the man had taken the microwave with him. I know a guy living in the woods who could really use this.

Spring Cleaning: A 26-year-old man called police, or attempted to, after being attacked by his girlfriend. He told officers the woman rushed him during an argument, scratched his right arm, tore his shirt and struck him with a broom. He went on to state that he tried to call 911 while being attacked but she grabbed the phone while he was talking to an operator and tossed it over the balcony. I've seen this happen to hunters who put deer urine on themselves before going out. I bet the make-up sex was terrifying.

One Hungry Man: Employees at a local Compare Foods grocery store called police after a rabid man tried to shoplift from them. The security guard told officers that he tried to stop the man after witnessing him put three bags of M&Ms in his pocket and attempt to leave. When he tried to stop the man, the suspect tried to bite him repeatedly. Hungry? Why wait? Oh no, that's Snickers.

Alumni Pride: A 34-year-old woman called police after her Duke flag and flagpole were stolen from her front porch. You may want to blame a spiteful Tarheel fan.

Threat of the Week: A 24-year-old man called police to file a report against a man who threatened him. He said he was walking through the neighborhood when a man stated, "Don't step towards me, I will knock you and your dog off." Places not to walk a dog: Northwest mountains, Michael Vick's backyard, I-485 and Charlotte trailer parks.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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