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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Eat My Shorts: A 21-year-old man called police after someone damaged his property. The man told officers that the suspect was at his residence when she poured ketchup and assorted food items onto six of his shirts, one pair of jeans and a pair of sneakers. It all added up to $232 worth of damage. If you're fat and she caught you cheating then I have to admit she's a pretty funny girl. If that isn't the case then she's probably just psychotic.

Compromise: A 27-year-old man called police after being threatened via text message. The victim told officers that the suspect sent him two texts, and one of them stated, "I don't want to kill you. I just want to see you suffer, and I will get someone to hurt you bad." Send him right over then, but remember: no murder. You promised.

Open Your Eyes: A 35-year-old woman called police after a neighbor she was familiar with stole from her. She told officers the man had asked her earlier in the day if he could borrow some blinds for his windows. She told him he could enter her house, and left it unlocked while she ran some errands. When she returned home, her Playstation 3, three games and a memory card were missing from the house. Yesterday you could've looked right through his windows to see if he had your stuff. Now the blinds are probably closed.

Essentials: Police were called to a local Bi-Lo after a duo was caught shoplifting from the store. Apparently two men left the store with five 18-packs of Heineken and three packs of Charmin toilet paper. They got away in the car after leaving a pack of each behind, and continued home where they planned to trade off for the rest of the night.

Got The Boot: A 66-year-old man called police after falling victim to a very old prank with a new twist. The man said that an unknown suspect repeatedly rang his doorbell and ran away. When the victim opened the door, he found a boot on the front porch smoking. He told officers that there was a strange charred substance in the boot and a lit match. Kids are just bizarre these days. You put the shit in a paper bag! Don't waste a good boot!

Grow Up: Police were called to a local shop in the Ballantyne area to respond to a larceny call. A suspect was stopped in the parking lot after trying to leave with items she did not pay for. The suspect was found to be carrying five rings, three sets of earrings and a stuffed animal. I wonder which item – tucked in your pocket – gave you away.

I Own You: A 29-year-old woman called police after being continuously harassed by an ex-boyfriend. She told officers the man had her arrested for simple assault the previous week. He then bailed her out, but she has been trying to stay away from him because she no longer wants to deal with him. The suspect has since been calling her repeatedly and leaving expletive-filled messages, stating that if she didn't call him back he would have her bond revoked. This seems like a good way to get women. Somebody hit me.

I Swear: The mother of a 14-year-old child called police after her daughter was being threatened at school. She told officers that the suspect told her daughter, "I am going to kick your ass Monday morning on the school bus." The mother said that this is an ongoing issue, and she doesn't let her child go to school if she feels she is threatened. All that time I would actually go in the bathroom and make fake vomiting noises and I could've just said, "Sorry Mom, but someone's gonna kick my ass if I go in there"?

What?: A 43-year-old man called police after being threatened and then assaulted by a neighbor. He told officers the man was upset because he thought the victim was staring at him at the pool earlier in the day. The suspect also thought the victim saw him throwing beer cans at the victim's home. Later in the evening the suspect approached the victim and bumped his chest, telling him he would "kick his butt." The only comment I can even give this one is keep your eyes on the ground if you ever visit the Riverbend pool.

Threat of the Week: A 33-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a former lover. She told officers the man called her 10 times in the span of a day and made threats such as, "I'm not going to leave you alone. I'm going to continue to harass you. I will kill anyone I see you with, and I will burn your house down." Well, if that's the case, can you go back to when you were just going to continue to harass me? It's not so bad after all.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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