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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

That's Hot: A 42-year-old woman called police to report a robbery. She told officers that she had been out of town for the weekend and left her air conditioning unit in her backyard. When she returned home she attempted to turn it on and realized the house wasn't cooling. That's when she noticed the unit was stolen from her yard. You must be dumb because my readers realized it was stolen once they read the second sentence of this column.

Little Sister: A 47-year-old man called police after being threatened by a man he's had problems with in the past. The suspect called him one afternoon last week and stated, "I am going to fuck you up. I am going to get my brothers to fuck you up. I am going to fuck your shit up, and I am going to burn your house down." Such sweet boys, those brothers. They do everything together.

Like A Fool: A woman was arrested on Trade Street last week for exhibiting all kinds of behaviors that I find attractive in a woman. The suspect was found approaching men and begging for sex, going to the bathroom in public, being nude in public from the waist down and being in possession of rolling papers. The matter was cleared up later when Sarah Palin's publicist told police she was just in town for her book tour.

Crack This Case: A 55-year-old man called police after being assaulted while waiting for the bus. The man told officers he was waiting for a ride when a black Honda drove up and stopped. A man poked his head out of the passenger window and threw an egg at the victim, hitting him in the chest before driving off. The victim heroically refused any medical attention.

Make Change: A 33-year-old man called police after being threatened continuously by a known suspect. The suspect called him 15 times and left him eight text messages stating, "We will fuck you up. This will not stay like this because you will get hurt."

That's Deep: A 28-year-old woman called police after being the victim of a heinous crime. The victim told officers that on five separate occasions, a known suspect has turned her outside water faucet on in the middle of the night and left it running. The continuous water flow has apparently eroded all the soil from one side of her house. What do you think the police are going to do? Have you never heard of a booby trap?

Fair Game: A 48-year-old man called police after falling victim to a neighborhood thief. He told officers that at an unknown time, someone stole the automatic game detection camera that was hooked up to a tree in his backyard. And to think, for only $50 more at Bass Pro Shop, you could've had an automatic game detection shotgun hooked up.

Dogs In Heat: A 25-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a group of men at the pool she was servicing. She told police that she was doing a maintenance clean of a community swimming pool when a man she recognized approached with his friends. When she told him they couldn't swim there he yelled, "Fuck you, white bitch. You better watch your back because I'm going to get you. And fuck the police."

Lost and Found: A 66-year-old man called police for no reason last week. He told the officers that both he and his wife had lost their passports. He also informed officers that they knew both passports were somewhere in their home. I just accidentally deleted a great joke I had about these idiots. Does anyone have the CIA's number?

Late Night: A 31-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a suspect she's had problems with in the past. The suspect called her multiple times and left messages stating, "I'm gonna kill you and your kids. Bitch, you dead. You're gonna die. Wait till you come home. You and your kids are going to get it." Surprise for the kids: Let's take the long way home ... maybe all the way to your auntie's house.

Body Work: A 36-year-old man called police after having his property vandalized. The man told officers he arrived home from work when a car pulled up next him and the driver yelled, "Stay on your side of the damn road." When the victim exited the car, the suspect backed his own car into the victim's front bumper ... therefore contradicting his concern for his car's well being.

Threat of the Week: A 44-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a known suspect. The victim was called 60 times in a weeklong period and told things such as, "Leave my boyfriend alone or I'm going to have you kidnapped, and you will be found hanging by a pole. I done warned you, bitch." It's not like I can feel bad for you if you get snatched; the warnings have done been done.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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