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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Not The Time: Two police officers filed a report on a trespassing suspect for threatening them after being arrested. In the report, the officers stated that the man was being processed at intake when he told them, "If I ever see you on the street again I'm going to beat the goddamned hell out of you." It sounds like an oxymoron, but I suppose if anywhere is damned by God, it would be hell.

I Trust You: A 19-year-old man filed a police report after falling victim to an idiotic scam. He was approached by a man who claimed to be a Wachovia employee who could help him get free books for school. The scammer said that Wachovia had all sorts of unclaimed money from deceased account holders and would give the victim some, no questions asked. The victim then gave the man his debit card and pin number. Surprisingly enough the suspect deposited two checks into the account, only to later make three withdrawals and five purchases with the card.

Something Smells Fishy: A man was arrested last week leaving a local Bi-Lo with stolen goods. The man was caught in the parking lot after trying to conceal two bags of shrimp, a bag of flounder and a donut in his clothing before leaving without paying. I'm thinking it probably wasn't too difficult for police to pick up his scent.

Real Talk: A 23-year-old man called police after being threatened by a known suspect. He told officers he received a text from the man stating, "I hope the cops find you and your baby mama before I do. I promise it's a threat. It's real talk, and it's a real story." You never really know these days; it could just be based on a true story. I think he meant that it's not a threat, it's a promise, but nice try.

On Fire: Employees at a local gas station on Graham Street called the fire department and police last week after they were nearly all blown to kingdom come. The reporting person told officers that a man was smoking a cigarette while pumping gas into his white minivan. The embers from the cigarette ignited the fumes from the gas nozzle and began melting the entire handle. The reporting person extinguished the fire and the man responsible said that he had burned his hand but would be OK. He then left the scene, which was probably a good thing.

Rambo: A man was arrested at a local Wal-Mart last week after attempting to steal a pair of swimming trunks. A loss prevention officer witnessed the man change into a pair of camouflage trunks in the store and then attempt to leave before being apprehended by the officer. When caught, the man asked, "How in the hell did you see me?"

Is It Coach?: A 22-year-old woman called police after being repeatedly threatened by a known suspect. She told officers the suspect called her 20 times during one day and stated, "I will see you soon, and bitch you might be leaving in a body bag." I hate when people keep calling and calling even when they know they are going to see you in a few minutes anyway.

Try Again: A 46-year-old man called police after someone stole a car from his driveway. He told police that someone got into his 1995 Oldsmobile and started it up. The suspect moved the car about five feet down the driveway and then parked it again. The suspect then got out and entered the 1988 Dodge pickup truck that was parked next to it – which is the vehicle the suspect ended up stealing. I had no idea Goldilocks was a truck-driving kind of girl.

The Dude: Police were called to Magnolia Place apartment complex after someone stole something from the property. Employees told officers that sometime between 1:30 p.m. and 3:30 p.m., someone came into their hospitality center and left with the area rug that had been on the floor. This is serious – because everybody knows a rug really brings the room together.

Multitasking: A 51-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a known suspect. The suspect called her 14 times in three days and made statements such as, "Don't make me come down there. I am going to fuck you up and then kill you." Well, if it makes no difference to you, I'd rather you reserve the "fucking up" until after the killing part.

Threat of the Week: A woman called police after being threatened by a robot. She told officers that she received four threatening calls within an hour from a computerized system that shows her own number on the caller ID. When she picked up, a digital-flavored voice stated, "Bitch, I am going to beat your ass when I see you. Tonight I am coming over to kill you and your kids." The machine then gave up its identity when it signed off by stating, "Hasta la vista, baby."

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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