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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Numb: A 55-year-old man called police after someone stole prescription pills from his house. He told officers that workers had been doing renovations on the outside of his home throughout the week, but on this particular day, one of the men was working inside. He reported that the man probably stole his bottle of pain pills when he took his dog out for a walk, leaving the worker alone. Just take a hammer from the work truck and hit them all about the head with it. Whoever doesn't seem to mind is probably your culprit.

See What You Think: A 27-year-old woman called police after being threatened by her baby's daddy. She told officers that she was arguing with the man when he told her that he would scalp her and then take their child. The kid will undoubtedly get a kick out of seeing how good you are at playing cowboys and Indians.

Anti-Climax: A man called police last week after walking by a local day care and realizing that a window had been left open overnight. When police responded, a quick search showed that nobody had entered and nothing had been stolen from the business.

What's The Problem?: Police were dispatched to a "check welfare" call at a local Holiday Inn, where they found a 16-year-old male in the room by himself. The kid was transported to the local Youth and Family Services Bureau. There are plenty of kids who run away every week just roaming the streets right now. Go meet the parents, and if they're pricks, I say let him stay in the room.

Prey: A 35-year-old man called police after being threatened over the phone by a known suspect. The victim told police a man called him on his cell phone and stated, "I am going to hunt you down and torture you until the day I die." The man received the call while staying at his room in the Red Roof ... oh shit, I shouldn't have said that. Better change hotels; I heard there's an opening at the Holiday Inn.

Pay Up: A 29-year-old woman was arrested last week after finally coming clean to officers about a predicament she had gotten herself into. She, along with a witness, told officers that she had been raped. After the two women's statements became highly inconsistent, they admitted that the "victim" had actually had consensual sex with the "suspect," but he hadn't paid her for it. Next week she'll be calling police claiming she got ripped off on a bag of crack.

Paranoid: A 54-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a couple of her neighbors. She told officers that she was walking in her neighborhood when the two suspects made handgun gestures toward her and made sounds as if they were shooting. She told police that she believes the two suspects meant that they were planning to harm her. A SWAT team surrounded the suspects' house and busted in to find two 11-year-old kids who had just finished watching The Matrix.

Fireworks: A 58-year-old woman called police the morning of July 5 after waking up to a hole in her ceiling. She told officers that at some point during the previous night, a large caliber bullet entered through her roof and landed next to her bed. Another man called and reported a large caliber bullet being embedded in the floor of his master bathroom. Why do you idiots do this every Independence Day? I just wait for the year when your own bullet comes back down on your own head.

Lube: Police were called to a local Quik Stop after a man was caught shoplifting. Employees caught the suspect trying to leave the store with a few pieces of fried chicken stuffed into his pants. Here's a suggestion: If the police start chasing you, take off your pants – it would be like trying to catch a greased pig.

Clean Before Use: A 38-year-old mother called police after her house was broken into. She told officers that the suspects broke in at 11 p.m. and stole bath towels, sheets, a bathroom floor mat, a small garbage can, pots, plates, a camera and a basket containing "pleasure" toys. I seriously hope that you mean toys that kids get pleasure from playing with and such. And if you really mean "adult" toys, I hope those thieves clean those things with bleach before putting them on the black market. Or pink market ... whatever you want to call it.

Threat of the Week: An 18-year-old female called police after being threatened by a known suspect. She told officers that the man called her while she was staying at a relative's house and stated, "Bitch, if you come down here to be with your mother, I will put that motherfucking .45 on you." Well auntie, looks like she will be staying with you a little longer.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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