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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Online Shopping: Police responded to a disturbance call at a local Belk store after two females got into an argument and one was assaulted. Employees told officers that the suspect entered the store without permission and started yelling at the victim. When the 26-year-old victim refused to leave, the suspect threw a computer keyboard at her, hitting her in the arm. The suspect also stated she would kill the victim and her boyfriend later. This is so much more effective than the people who make threats on Facebook.

Step It Up: A 32-year-old woman called police after being threatened over the phone. She told officers that the suspect called her late one night and stated, "I'm going to fuck with you all night. Next time it won't be knives, it will be guns." Good idea, because drive-by knife-throwing is usually just a waste of time and kitchen appliances.

Cheesin': Police were called to a local Food Lion after a woman was caught trying to steal the ingredients of the most random dinner ever. Security officers watched the woman walk around the store and place the following items into a large purse: cheese, pork, wine, oil and vanilla extract. It's like those people on timed shopping sprees who just grab everything and then make it to the end only to find that they just have a big pile of worthless shit.

Nap Time: Police found a man sleeping in his car as they investigated a truck that had been left in a no parking zone at Charlotte Douglas International Airport. As they approached the vehicle, the officers could smell a strong odor of alcohol before they could even see the man. After several unsuccessful attempts to wake the man, the officers resorted to a "sternum rub" to finally get him up. The man awoke and instantly became enraged with the officers, repeatedly yelling, "Fuck this. This is bullshit!" while the car was being towed. A sternum rub is a bit self-explanatory, but I truly hope I never have to actually find out what it feels like.

Breathe Easy: Police were called to a local physical therapy center after a piece of their equipment was stolen. Employees told officers that someone snuck into their back gym and stole a Chest Vest Airway Clearness System. This equipment is used to put pressure on the chest to clean the lungs out. These suspects get more respect in my book than the ones who ask for a pack of Newports and then run out the door with them.

Guess Who: A 19-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a family member. She told officers that the suspect sent her a text stating, "Don't come at me like that 'cause someone is gonna die and it ain't gonna be me."

Trash Men: A 59-year-old man called police after some unknown suspects stole from him. He told officers that at some time over the night, someone stole two bags of aluminum cans from his front porch. You have a front porch so I'm guessing you have a home. What do you need with two bags of aluminum cans? They did you a favor.

Take It All: A 33-year-old woman called police after her house was ransacked and robbed. She told officers that someone broke in and took two Louis Vuitton bags worth $2,000 each, watches, earrings, perfumes, a PSP, three bottles of alcohol, a porch light and a toilet paper holder. My guess is that they got pretty deep into the three bottles of booze before they decided they'd come back for the porch light and toilet paper holder.

Human Hunter: A 29-year-old woman called police after being threatened over the phone by an insane person. She told officers the suspect called her 300 times over the span of a month and made statements such as, "When I catch you coming out of that house at night, I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna come over there and kill everybody in that house." Why is it that the threat that doesn't involve entering the household sounds so much scarier?

Human Hurter: A 32-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a much less dedicated idiot. She told officers that the man had called her 15 times in a week and made statements such as, "When I catch you, I am going to hurt you." You could take a major lesson from the guy in the previous report. You're not specific enough. You're not even hungry for the kill. You'll never be "Threat of the Week" material.

Threat of the Week: A 48-year-old woman called police after being threatened in a local Steak & Shake restaurant by another woman. The victim told police that the suspect yelled, "Bitch we come from the same walks of life. I'll kill you. I will have Big Momma and her girls beat you down in the parking lot." Is that where Martin Lawrence has been all these years? Steak & Shake?

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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