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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Big Tipper: A 26-year-old man called police after he was assaulted by a passenger in his cab at around 2 a.m. He told officers that he drove the passenger home and the suspect paid him and tipped him. He then looked at the cab driver and stated, "I'm going to punch you," before striking the driver in the head. The victim needed stitches but later realized the suspect left two credit cards (complete with his name on them) in the back seat. Sounds like a trip to IKEA is in store.

Counterfeit Female: A 23-year-old woman called police after being ripped off by a ticket scalper. She told officers that she bought two bogus tickets to the Lady Gaga concert from a man on Trade Street. Advice to the victim: If you ever find this man, thank him.

Say what?: A 29-year-old man came to CMPD headquarters to report a threat he received from a known suspect. He told officers that the man sent him a lengthy text message, and he didn't understand most of it because of all the slang. He could, however, make out the fact that the suspect was angry and he had pistols and he was going to have his "goons run up in yo' house." You can never defend yourself from a threat if you don't understand the threat. I would suggest listening to every Lil' Wayne mixtape; they're all good, and you will learn a few things.

Beer Me: Police responded to a domestic disturbance call in the Westover division and found a woman who claimed to have been beaten by her boyfriend. After a quick investigation it was found that the man had in fact assaulted her by throwing a beer can and striking her in the back with it.

Taking Shotguns: Police responded to a call from CMC University Hospital about a man with a gunshot wound. After an investigation, it was found that the man shot himself in the foot. He was later arrested for violating a restraining order and possession of marijuana. It's idiots like this that are going to keep the pot law from passing in California this November and make sure we never get medical weed here in N.C.

Break Beats: A 26-year-old woman called police after her car was broken into. She told officers that one of the windows on her vehicle won't close all the way so someone pushed it down and went through her belongings. The suspect took the faceplate from her stereo, two CDs and broke a third one in half. The third one was probably a Jason Derulo album.

Unemployed: A 38-year-old woman called police after her husband began to have a mental breakdown. She told officers that she was in a Days Inn with the suspect when he started to become irate at the fact that the family would have to live there after being evicted from their rental home. As he became madder, he started making threats about getting his firearm and harming her. We were starting to feel sorry for you until the last bit.

The Great Pumpkin Heist: Employees at Bottomley Evergreens & Farms called police after having 3,000 pumpkins stolen from under their noses. They told officers someone broke the lock to a trailer late one night while it was parked in the lot of the vacant Super Walmart and took 60 bins filled with 50 pumpkins each. Don't let those big companies haggle you this year, people — pumpkins, obviously, will be going for cheap on the black market. Who would plan and carry out such a thing? And more importantly, who has the movie rights?

Threat of the Week: A 42-year-old man called police after he and his wife were threatened repeatedly by a known suspect. He told officers that the man has sent him 150 e-mails since the beginning of April, making claims like, "If I see your wife, I'll put a bullet in her ass because I'm always packing. After I pop your wife, I'm going to pop your fat ass." This guy can't be too fat if he's evaded you for the last five months. I think you're just stalling.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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