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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Superboy: A man called police last week to report that a man was shooting a shotgun into the air outside of his house. When officers arrived, the suspect admitted to shooting at the sky but nothing else. It was later reported by a 10-year-old boy that the suspect had actually been shooting at him and he had a small scrape on his right shoulder to prove it. How do you even have a shoulder left? Have you ever tried flying before?

Sticky Situation: A man was arrested last week for resisting arrest and assaulting an officer. The man was about to be searched by a police officer when he spit his gum at the cop and attempted to run away. That's your grand escape?

Deadbeat Suite: Police were called to Suite in the EpiCentre after the manager decided he needed to take a warrant out on one of his customers. He told officers that the man had walked out on a $240 tab the previous week. The suspect then tried to return to the bar last week but was recognized by employees. When confronted, the man told them that he still couldn't pay the tab but he would return in a day to pay it. Not surprisingly, the man never came back. I hope you at least got laid for buying all those drinks.

Touch It: A 38-year-old woman called police after being harassed by a known suspect. She told officers that in the span of two weeks the man called her 23 times and texted her 82 times, attempting to annoy and extort money from her. During one call the man stated, "I'm going to make you feel some bullshit real soon. I am going to make you lose your job." Joe Rogan once said the same thing to me, but I was on Fear Factor, and I actually had to feel a bull's shit.

Gamer: A 31-year-old man called police after his property was vandalized. He told officers he was having an argument with his girlfriend when she took a hammer and smashed his Playstation 3 to bits. This is what girlfriends do when you're over the age of 30 and you spend your days playing PS3. Take her out every once in awhile instead of challenging her to a game of Madden, and you both might be happier.

Sportsmanship: Police were called to Olympic High School after an employee called and stated that two men were involved in a locker room fight that caused a major disturbance. The jocks act cool in front of the cheerleaders until gym class is over, and they wrestle in the showers? Hmmmmm.

Waste Management: A 22-year-old woman called police after a sign she made was damaged. She told officers that she put the sign outside of her apartment door after people continued to leave trash and cigarette butts out there. The sign read: "Please don't dump your trash, this is not your mama's house, please clean up after yourself." That really made the apartments look classy.

Make It Stop: Police responded to an attempted suicide call in North Charlotte last week after a 21-year-old girl was witnessed trying to cut her wrists with a broken CD. Kesha's music will do that to you.

Long Distance: A 33-year-old man called police after being threatened by a known suspect over the Internet. He told officers he received an e-mail from the man, stating, "Let me know the next time you are in Florida, so I can give you that ass kicking I should have given you before you left." I love making friends when I go on vacation.

Served Fresh: A 46-year-old man called police after he was assaulted by his fiancee. He told officers that he was in an argument with the woman when she threw a pan of hot grits in his face. The victim suffered minor visible injuries and was transported to CMC-Pineville in an ambulance.

Clean Up, Aisle Nine: Police were called to a BP near Mountain Island Lake after a man caused a bit of a scene there. Employees told officers the man drove to the store impaired, which became evident when he almost drove straight into the building. He then stumbled into the store and began eating a hoagie roll that he hadn't paid for. Police found the man with a bottle of Alprazolam that was less than half full. On the bottle it could be read that the prescription had been filled that day. These pills are used to calm down panic attacks. Enough said.

Threat of the Week: An 80-year-old woman called police after being threatened in her apartment complex. She told officers the known suspect approached her and stated, "I will whoop your old ass." Then I'm going to go dropkick a toddler. Because I'm gangster.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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