October 19, 2010 News & Views » The Blotter

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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

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Greetings: A 19-year-old woman called police after being threatened and harassed by an unknown suspect. She told officers the mystery suspect called her cell phone four times in five minutes and said, "Hello fat bitch! This is your worst nightmare. You are going to end up where your mother is."

Babysitter Fail: A woman called police after she decided she could no longer take care of her friend's children. She told officers that her friend dropped off the two children, both under 2 years old, the day before. Then the next day, the babysitter ran out of diapers and baby food and started panicking because the parents hadn't been clear about when they would be back to pick up the baby that day. A suggestion for the sitter: Do not procreate.

Criminal Genius: An 18-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a known suspect. She told officers the man called and texted her 22 times, and during two separate calls, he stated, "I will have people beat you up. I'm going to make it look like a suicide." It's going to be pretty tough to make a simple assault look like a suicide, but good luck with that. I'm sure your people are good at what they do.

Charitable Donations: A 45-year-old woman called police after becoming concerned that her ex-boyfriend might want to harm her. She told officers that the man called her and warned that he would come to her house and break all the windows out if she threw his clothes away. She admitted to officers that she gave all the clothes away to friends and is scared of what he will do when he finds out. Just send him a letter with all the friends' addresses, and tell him you didn't throw them away. Problem solved ... or at least handed off.

Don't Play Games: A 23-year-old woman called police after her apartment was broken into and robbed. She told officers she came home to find that someone had stolen her television, PlayStation Portable, Playstation 3, Playstation 2, Sega game system, Nintendo 64 and assorted video games, among other things. What kind of woman is this? Because if she is attractive, she is one in a million.

Egghead: A 35-year-old woman called police after someone vandalized her home. She told officers an unknown suspect threw an egg at her house, and it broke through her window. That's why you don't hard-boil the eggs before you throw them, you dumb-ass. It's OK; you have a few weeks to practice before Halloween.

History Repeats: A 55-year-old man called police after being threatened by a man he's had problems with in the past. He told officers the man saw him in the street and told him he was going to bust the victim in the head for getting him locked up last year. He told officers he takes the threat seriously because the suspect did assault him about a year ago. You just have to love how effective that rehabilitation turned out.

Happy Trail: Employees at a local Walmart called police after a couple was found to be shoplifting. The workers told officers that the couple walked into the store, picked up two chicken and potato dinners off the shelves and started eating them. When they were confronted after attempting to leave the store without paying for the food, it was found that one of them had shoved a stuffed animal down the front of their pants. Charge them with the crime, but please let them keep the toy.

Promotion: A 24-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a suspect she has been having problems with recently. She told officers the woman called her and stated, "I know where you stay, and me and my family are ready to take it to the next level." Seems like an odd way for a landlord to tell you that you have to move to the apartment upstairs.

Old School: A 65-year-old woman called police after being threatened by some young whippersnappers out in front of her home. She told officers the two kids came up on her porch and told her they would kick her ass and "fuck her up with her own cane." She's not even that old; I say put that cane to use on those little shits.

Job Stimulus: A 49-year-old man called police after his home was vandalized. He told officers that he gave an employee of a roofing company permission to get on his roof to check for storm damage, but the man just broke the shingles himself while he was up there. That's one way to get work these days.

Threat of the Week: A 36-year-old man called police after he heard some disconcerting gossip from a friend. He said that his friend received six calls from a known suspect who was threatening the victim. The suspect told the man, "I am going to kill him and distribute his body parts all over the world." I couldn't make this stuff up if I wanted to. Insert your own Carmen Sandiego joke here.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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