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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Lights Out: A 41-year-old woman called police after her apartment was burglarized. The woman told officers the suspect (or suspects) forcefully gained entrance to her first floor apartment and stole a lamp before leaving. If you're going to risk jail time, you might as well take a couch cushion or an end table, too.

Lucky Find: A 32-year-old woman called police after a guest in her house stole her jewelry. The victim told officers that she suspects a certain man to have stolen her $1,800 diamond-and-gold chain. The chain was inside a purse that was inside a suitcase that was inside her bedroom closet. She suspects the man to have taken it because he is the only person who has recently been over to visit for the first time. It would take at least five visits to go through enough trial and error to find that necklace. I would think again.

Action Star: Police responded to a runaway call in east Charlotte after a child decided she couldn't be around her parents anymore. The parents told officers that they were driving down Eastway Drive when the 13-year-old girl became unruly. At the next stoplight the girl jumped out of the car and ran in an unspecified direction. I've been known to have the same reaction when friends play the Black Eyed Peas.

You're Nuts: A 22-year-old man called police after being brutally assaulted by his roommate. He told officers that he was in an argument with the suspect over a rent payment when his roomie forced him onto the bed and grabbed his genitals, applying an uncomfortable amount of pressure. When it comes to your roommate, there is no "comfortable" pressure. The victim reported that he waited until he was in a safe place to report the assault. Good call.

Good Reasoning: Police were called to a domestic disturbance off of North Tryon after a man and woman both accused the other of threats and assault. The man told officers that the woman was screaming at him about a call he received from a female friend and told him to get out or she would shoot him. As he walked out of the apartment, he became afraid that she would pull out her gun and shoot him in the back; that's why he grabbed her by the midsection and slammed her to the ground, allegedly breaking her leg in the process. Funny, that's the same reason I punched that security guard when I was leaving Harris Teeter the other day.

Redneck Racing: A 41-year-old woman called police after being assaulted with a deadly weapon by her boyfriend. She told officers that, following an argument, the man drove circles around her front yard and finally struck her with his truck. I wonder if he compared lap times with the other hicks he met in jail.

Redneck Racing Part II: A 34-year-old man called police after his property was damaged by an unknown suspect. The man told officers that he watched a small green car hit his mailbox and knock over a tree in his yard before going into the neighbor's yard and running over a bunch of bushes. The suspect never stopped to see what happened. I had no idea Lindsay Lohan would be in Charlotte this week.

Biggest Loser: A 21-year-old woman called police after her brand-new 2010 Chevrolet Aveo was vandalized. The woman told officers that an unknown suspect used some sort of sharp object to scratch the words "Fat Whore" down the driver's side of her car. I wonder if either word accurately describes the victim.

Ass Kicker: A 41-year-old woman called police last week after being assaulted by her boyfriend. She told officers that the two were in an argument when he struck her on the side with his prosthetic leg. This reminds me of all the elementary teachers who told me: "Now, if that's the way you're going to use your toys, Ryan, we aren't going to let you play with them anymore."

Blank: A 70-year-old man called police after his car was broken into last week. The man told officers that someone broke into his vehicle overnight while he was sleeping and stole a piece of paper. At least I'm not the only one wasting a piece of paper in this city.

Finders Keepers: A 69-year-old woman called police after someone stole her jewelry. She told officers that someone nabbed her $1,000 gold ring while they were installing carpet in her home. She kept the ring in a small pouch behind the pillows on her couch. Where do you keep your diamond necklace — in an empty water bottle underneath the sink?

Threat of the Week: A 37-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a known suspect. The victim said a woman saw her and yelled, "If I slap your ass, I will give you a reason to call the police. I will get you out of here."

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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