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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Good Night Spoiled: Police responded to a local Walgreens after a woman was caught shoplifting. Employees told officers that a woman came in the store and started placing things in her purse. When she was confronted, security found that the woman had tried to steal shampoo, socks, bubble bath, two different kinds of K-Y Jelly, a Trojan Magnum condom and a pack of cigarettes. Well, at least now I know why she never came home that night.

Hoarders: A 44-year-old woman called police after someone harassed her over the phone. She told officers that an unknown suspect called her three times and made harassing statements such as, "Is this animal control? I heard you had a fat pussycat over there!" This makes absolutely no sense ... yet I still find it hilarious. I think he meant to say: "This is animal control."

Over the Counter: Employees at a local Wendy's called police after a woman became irate at the service she was receiving. The manager told officers that the woman's card was declined and when she was informed of this fact, she became belligerent and started yelling obscenities. She then parked her car and came into the store. She jumped on the counter and yelled, "I will fuck you up! I will come back and kick your behind!" This is what happens when you give your kids fast food.

Busy Day: Employees at a local Old Navy notified police after two suspects tried to shoplift from their store and changed their minds. One employee told officers that he watched the two men come into the store and start collecting items. The men grabbed shorts, T-shirts, pants, jackets and sweaters and left the store. When they walked out, they saw a police officer and ran back into the store and began placing all the items back on the shelves. They left the store again and were picked up by the officer who was looking for them due to an unrelated incident. Employees told the police what they saw and the men were charged accordingly.

Million Dollar Baby: A 32-year-old man called police after being assaulted violently. He told officers that he was involved in an altercation with his father and sister last week when they both suddenly started striking him over the head. I just wish I knew more information about the suspect — because if this was a really young kid sister, it would be great. I will still picture it that way.

Oh Yeah: Police responded to a domestic call last week in which both parties believed they were the victim. The female told officers that her boyfriend choked her twice and pushed her face into the mattress. She also stated that she tried to dial 911 with two separate cell phones and alleged that the man took them away. The man told officers that his girlfriend suddenly threw Kool-Aid on his shirt and attacked him. Neither of them wanted to press charges, but hopefully they agreed to stop bringing Kool-Aid to bed.

DMX at DMV: Police responded to a car accident after a man tried to use his car as a blockade. Witnesses told officers that the man was attempting to stop a vehicle by blocking it with his own car but instead slammed into a pickup truck that had nothing to do with the previous altercation. It was found by police that the suspect had his 10-year-old daughter in the car at the time. Hey, you have to start teaching them the rules of the road at an early age.

Early Schooling: Police were called to a campground after a boy was robbed by classmates during a field trip. The 13-year-old boy told officers that during the trip two suspects picked him up and moved him to the back of the school bus. He said that one of the kids then pulled his pants down and removed his wallet. He tossed the wallet to the other bully, and that one took out the cash. At some point, if you really can't fight, you have to start kicking kids in the balls.

Chivalry Is Alive: A 53-year-old woman called police after being harassed constantly by an unknown suspect. She told officers the man called her 70 times over the past month and did not speak — except during one call when he simply said: "I want you." This is how I always build up to getting a date; nobody usually calls the police.

Threat of the Week: A 44-year-old man called police after being threatened by a convict who either doesn't speak good English or truly hates rashes. The man in jail called a friend first and said, "Tell him if he doesn't leave when I get out, I'm going to wipe his ass." While relaying the message to the victim, the second suspect stated, "If you don't leave I am going to have him come over and wipe your ass, and I am going to help him." This brings a whole new meaning to the expression "talking shit."

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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