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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Look Harder: Employees working for Richard A. Peniston & Associates showed up at work one morning last week to find that their building had been vandalized. Police responded and saw that someone had spray-painted a figure on the door with "big eyes and a large nose." I haven't even seen this "figure," but judging by Richard's last name, I'm guessing those two round things weren't eyes and that wasn't a nose.

Financial Insecurity: A 26-year-old man called police after being assaulted by his girlfriend during an argument. He told officers that while they were yelling, the argument escalated — and the woman hit him in the face, kicked him in the groin and threw a ceramic piggy bank at him. I hope she yelled, "Keep the change!" That would be pretty badass.

Feel It: A 33-year-old man called police after his business competitor came to his home to threaten him. The man told officers that the suspect said to him, "I know you are flagging my ads, and if you keep it up, I will cause major pain. I know where you live, I know where you work, and you will feel the pain." Does anyone else get the feeling that this guy watches way too much wrestling.

Computer Nerd: A 17-year-old girl filed a police report after being threatened over the Internet. She told officers that after she told a man she knew to stop texting her, he sent her a message on Facebook that read, "I have been holding it down for the sake of homeboy, but if you slip up or breathe the wrong way, I will snatch your ass up out of that window." Out of the Facebook window? I thought you could only do that on Skype.

Leave Your Mark: A 47-year-old woman called police after her car was vandalized. She told officers that at some point between 2 a.m. and 10 a.m., someone scratched "Lili is a whore" into the paint below the back windshield of her Ford Explorer.

If It Fits: A 16-year-old boy filed a police report after a solicitor stole from him right under his nose. He told officers that a man came to his home trying to sell window-cleaning supplies. The man came into the home to demonstrate the effectiveness of his product. He took off his shoes in respect of the home's cleanliness — yet when he left, he put on the kid's shoes, which were sitting on the front porch, and left his own behind. I wonder how many homes it took to score a new pair of kicks.

Huff and Puff: A 29-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a man she knew and disagreed with. She told officers that during the course of an argument, the man threatened her by saying, "I've got my shotgun on standby, and I am going to blow your stomach out."

Hannibal Lecter: Police responded to a local elementary school after a student assaulted a school administrator. After the student became upset and tried to escape the "Behavior Management Technician," the school employee placed the student into a "Child Safety Restraint" — in which the child's arms are forcibly crossed in front of his body. When the student was sitting down in a chair, he bent over and bit the BMT between the thumb and forefinger. Where's an "Exorcism Management Technician" when you need one?

Highway Robbery: A 36-year-old man called police after being robbed in west Charlotte one night last week. He said he was on the side of the road filling up his car with gas when two men approached him. They took his wallet and car from him and then set his coat on fire.

Threat of the Week: A 21-year-old man called police after being threatened by a known suspect over the phone. The victim told officers that the man called him and said, "You know me and my mom is gonna kill you and your stupid ass mother. I don't care about you. Whatever I say goes. I will even scratch your car. I want you to get arrested and die. After I am done you better watch your back."

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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