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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Taking A Stand: A 51-year-old man called police after being chased around his apartment complex by a raving lunatic. He told officers that the man chased him around with a huge stick until he found refuge in his friend's apartment. It was from this safe haven that he watched the suspect enter his apartment, where his wife was sleeping. The suspect got a butter knife out of the victim's sink and came back outside again. You might be sleeping on the couch for a long while — or your friend's place if you don't feel safe on the couch.

Chivalry's Death: A 22-year-old woman called police after someone broke into her residence. She told officers that an unknown suspect gained entry into her apartment through an unsecured door while she was gone. She returned to find that the suspect had left a path of flowers from her kitchen to her bedroom and written on two mirrors and a television "indicating the way he felt about her." Why is it that every time I try to impress a girl she ends up filing a police report? I should've signed my name on the lamp.

ladies' night: A 26-year-old woman filed a police report after being threatened by a known suspect. She told officers that the woman sent an e-mail to a third party that said: "Tell her I am going to key her vehicle, smash out of all of her windows and puncture all of her tires. I am going to have my girlfriends come with me."

KID STUFF: A police report was filed from a local school last week after two students got a little frisky in the bathroom. Their substitute teacher stated that a male student convinced her to let him go to the bathroom with a female classmate by invoking the buddy system. Once in the bathroom, the two entered a stall and "the boys pants were pulled down and the female kissed his private area."

more kid stuff: Two teen girls approached an administrator at a local school last week after becoming uncomfortable with one of their classmates. The administrator told police that the girls were both getting inappropriate looks from the boy all day. He also brushed up against them both purposely in order to touch them. Just make sure you girls pick someone else when it comes time to use the buddy system.

even More Kid Stuff: A 25-year-old woman filed a police report after being assaulted by one of her students. The teacher told officers that when dismissal time came, the boy did not want to wait his turn. The victim blocked off the doorway, but the boy ran right through her, smashing into her chest and abdomen. It's sad when teachers actually have to spend time blockading the way out of a classroom.

Math Homework: A 29-year-old man called police after being threatened by an unknown suspect. He told officers the man randomly called him and stated: "I got your phone number, and I am one digit away from finding your address to beat you the fuck up."

CSI: A 35-year-old woman called police after being assaulted by her boyfriend in their shared apartment. She told officers that the two were arguing about the boyfriend's wallet and used condoms that she found around the bedroom when he took out a kitchen knife and pointed it at her. He then grabbed her by the hair and pulled her weave out. I'm sure it was the wallet that really sent this argument over the top.

Birthday Greenbacks: Police arrested a man last week for trying to sneak contraband to a friend in jail. The screeners in the jail found 1.4 grams of marijuana inside a birthday card sent to an inmate. The suspect's name was — unsurprisingly — on the return address portion of the card.

Duped: A 27-year-old man called police last week after he was ripped off by a man in the parking lot of the grocery store Bloom. He told officers that the man sold him a bootleg P90X workout DVD in the parking lot, and when he returned home to try it out, it wouldn't play. He would've gone back to fight the guy, but he wasn't able to find someone else selling workout DVDs first.

Threat of the Week: The parent of an 11-year-old girl filed a police report after her daughter was threatened last week at her after-school program. The little girl was at her program when one of her classmate's parents approached her and stated: "If you touch my child, I will get you. I will handle you. I will make you shut up. Come over here!" The woman then left quickly after hearing that the girl she was threatening had a 12-year-old friend. OK, that last part didn't happen, but it's fitting, isn't it?

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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