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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Apocalypse Now: A 62-year-old man called police after being assaulted and robbed in west Charlotte while he tried to get home last week. The victim told officers that he pulled up to a stoplight on Parkway Avenue when a man he had never seen before came and pushed him off his scooter. By the time the victim got on his feet and was watching his scooter ride off without him, another man came from the same "shadow" and pushed him down again, stealing his watch and cell phone. The man refused medical treatment and told police he would solve it himself. He deserves a Blotter medal.

Cool Breeze: A 44-year-old man called police after being threatened by a man he's had problems with in the past. The victim told officers that the suspect called him 12 times during a single night and during one of the calls stated, "I'm going to shoot out all of the windows in your house." Open every single window in your house, and I'm sure someone that dumb will become confused.

RIP: An elderly woman called police and medics last week after realizing that she had become a widow. The woman told officers that she looked out of her backyard window and realized that her 77-year-old husband was not steering his riding mower anymore. Medics pronounced the man dead a short time later.

As A Lamb: A 33-year-old woman filed a police report after being followed and harassed by a known suspect. The victim told officers that the suspect called her more than 50 times during the first week of April and made statements such as, "I know some bad bitches that will gladly kick Stephanie's ass." The same suspect called back later and warned, "I will put a bullet in Ben's head."

Drink Up: A nightclub in Plaza Midwood was cited last week after it was found that they were holding more than 20 bottles of unfortified wine from Jamaica. If you are anything like me, then this is an advertisement and not a setback.

Bouncing: A 25-year-old woman called police after being harassed by a man she'd already filed a restraining order against. The victim told officers that she received multiple texts from the suspect, including one that stated, "You better watch your back! I'm going to fuck you up. I'm going to fuck your car up. You wrote a check that your ass can't cash!" I love how the people with the least amount of money in this city always mention currency. Good luck with bail.

Got the Jones: Employees of a local gas station in west Charlotte called police last week after arriving to work to find the front door broken. The reporting employee told officers that someone threw a rock through the glass door overnight and stole a carton of Newport cigarettes. I only took the cigs because I didn't realize they turn off the slushie machine at night.

Nap Time: Cops responded to a suicide call in the University area after a teen girl decided she'd had enough last week. The police report stated that the girl told her friend that she had swallowed 60 pills of her prescribed heart medication because she was "just tired." I'm no drug expert, but I'm guessing that overdosing on heart pills might wake you up instead of put you to sleep. (Or maybe not.)

Thinking Ahead: Employees of a local Compare Foods called police last week after catching a man attempting to shoplift. One employee told officers that he witnessed the man stuffing a steak down his pants, so he followed him. Once the man was confronted, he easily admitted to the fact that he had stolen more items. The suspect was found to have more steak, air fresheners for single rooms and Oil of Olay skin lotion. If someone told me this man went on a date with the woman from that movie Monster, I wouldn't be surprised.

Freedom: Employees of a local technology company filed a police report together recently because their boss had completely shut down their access to the Internet. This might have been fine in simpler days, but the report states that the victims were denied access to "network services named Facebook." What's the point of getting a real computer degree if you can't form a chat group for other people without girlfriends?

Threat of the Week: A 29-year-old man filed a police report after being threatened by a known suspect. The victim told officers that the man had been harassing him over the phone for a while but has now started threatening him by saying things such as, "I will punch you in the face. I will put my foot in your ass until it makes you blind." Now that the NBA is heading toward a lockout, the players have been finding new ways to showcase their athleticism.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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