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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Flavored Emissions: A 50-year-old woman filed a police report after her car was vandalized. She told officers that she walked out to start her Ford Windstar one afternoon last week and found that someone had poured grape Kool-Aid into her gas tank. Just be happy the giant pitcher from the commercials didn't come bursting through your wall.

It's European: A 63-year-old man called police after being assaulted by the man he had been sharing a hotel room with. The victim told officers that his roomie woke him from a nap when he demanded to be let into the room with a friend. The friend then began to assault the sleepy victim, making threats and also stealing property before both of the men left. When police arrived on the scene the victim told them that the men had stolen his "black leather man-purse" which had his wallet, money and passport in it. He would have put some man-concealer on his black eye but that was also in the man-purse.

Security Penetrated: A 32-year-old man came home last week to find his house ransacked and robbed. He told officers that an unknown suspect forced entry into his residence and took a 55-inch LCD TV, a Wii, $150 worth of Wii games, an Airsoft BB gun, a metal lock box containing documents and approximately 30 X-rated DVDs. You haven't seen Debbie Does Dallas until you've seen it on a 55-inch LCD TV.

Punks Jump Up: A 32-year-old woman called police after realizing that someone had robbed her while she was sleeping. She told officers that at some point overnight, the suspects stole a small trampoline that she had recently purchased for her son and was keeping in the backyard. I wonder how hard it is for a kid to keep a toy that's actually fun in this neighborhood.

Put 'Em Up: A 55-year-old man filed a police report last week after being threatened. He told officers that the man continuously referred to his own boxing skills during an argument with the victim and finally warned, "I'm going to knock your lights out." Why does this seem like a passage from The Blotter in the 1920s?

You Say Counterfeit: Police responded to a local Walmart last week after a man successfully used a counterfeit bill. Employees told officers that the man came in and used a fake $50 bill to buy tomato stakes for a garden. If I was handy enough to make my own money at home, I would spend it on something that I couldn't make by myself at home.

Nap Time: A police officer walked up to a car that stayed at a traffic light through an entire cycle only to find a driver who was fast asleep with his foot on the brake and the transmission in drive. When the officer woke the man, he was startled and moved the car ahead several feet before stopping. When the suspect rolled down his window, a strong odor of marijuana became noticeably present. The driver was found to have a suspended driver's license and a search of his car turned up a bag with a little more than 5 grams of weed inside. "Dude, I just had the worst dream."

Fair Warning: A 54-year-old woman called police after receiving a startling e-mail. She told officers a man e-mailed her stating that he and his partner had been hired to kill her, but if she paid them a modest fee they would not carry out the job. What a nice hit man. Probably not successful, but nice.

Threat of the Week: A 41-year-old man called police last week after being threatened over the phone. The man stated that he was arguing with a man he knew when the suspect told him, "I'm going to come over there with one of my thugs and kill you. You won't make it to work tomorrow! I'm going to come over there and damage your work truck." The question is: Will you not be able to make it to work tomorrow because his thug kills you or because your work truck is damaged — because there is a big difference.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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