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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

Strange Times: Your humble Blotter author was playing a game of disc golf at Kilborne Park last week with some friends when four police officers suddenly walked across the course. Surprised at seeing uniformed cops searching the deep woods, I asked if we had anything to worry about or if maybe I could help find a body. The officers told me they were looking for something they were hoping not to find. Witnesses had called in to report that they had seen four men having sex deep in the woods. From this point on, I will no longer call it a "foursome" when I throw discs with three friends.

What's Cooking?: Police responded to a domestic-disturbance call near Central Avenue last week to find a 34-year-old man who had been beaten up by his wife. The man told officers he entered his apartment at 1 a.m. and was greeted by his wife hitting him in the head and arms with a frying pan. The victim was treated by a medic on the scene. But, the next time he gets breakfast in bed, she will aim to put him in the hospital.

What's On?: Police responded to a domestic disturbance call near Sharon Road last week to find a less-humorous crime scene. The 31-year-old victim told police that her boyfriend had hit her over the head with a DVD player. He also busted the woman's television by hitting it with a hammer. The suspect was arrested for assault with a deadly weapon, damage to property and resisting a public officer. The DVD player was, more than likely, listed as a deadly weapon because it was playing Herbie: Fully Loaded at the time of the assault.

Cut Off: A 34-year-old man filed a police report last week after being threatened by his neighbor. He told officers that the two men were arguing when his neighbor threatened to cut him with a pair of hedge clippers. In Texas they have chainsaw massacres; in North Carolina we have hedge clipper assaults.

Burning Bridges: Police officers responded to an assault call near Brookshire Boulevard last week after a man made quite a scene at his parent's house. When police arrived, the suspect's 49-year-old mother told them that the man had picked up a baby's high chair and thrown it at her — but accidentally hit his 27-year-old sister instead. The suspect left the scene prior to the officer's arrival. Afterward, the baby vowed to always strap on the seatbelts when he sits in that thing.

walking dead: A 28-year-old man called police after he was assaulted by a known suspect. He told officers that after an argument with the suspect, she bit him on his leg and then chased him around with a knife. When the victim went inside to call the police, the woman shattered the windshield of the car parked outside, which belonged to the man's 46-year-old friend who was also at the scene of the crime. FYI: When you run into zombies, you are supposed to stab them in the back of the head.

Southern Hospitality: Police responded to a call about a stabbing in the Steele Creek area last week. The 52-year-old female victim was walking down the street at 1:30 a.m. incapacitated by alcohol when an unknown suspect ran up behind her and stabbed her in the back of the head. The woman was hospitalized with minor knife wounds. Good thinking. But just because a woman is stumbling drunkenly around in the early morning that doesn't mean she's a zombie.

Flash Gordon: A 43-year-old woman called police after being surprised by a sexual deviant near her home downtown last week. She told officers that she and her 48-year-old friend were at her apartment when an unknown man exposed his penis to them both and fled the scene on foot. Hopefully he didn't have to climb any barbwire fences to get away.

Big Bully: A woman called police last week to report that her 10-year-old son had been assaulted by his 18-year-old female neighbor. She told officers that the girl slapped her son following a fight that involved all of the neighborhood kids, ranging in age from 6 to 10 years old. So, the Rugrats are all grown up and Angelica is still acting like a bitch.

Own Worst Enemy: Police responded to an assault call for service near Parkwood Avenue last week to find two very confused suspect/victims. The report states that "Victim No. 1" spoke with "Victim No. 2" after leaving a convenience store. He then heard multiple shots fired and realized he was shot in his elbow and leg. Victim No. 2, who was intoxicated and slurring her speech, had a gunshot wound in her back. Victim No. 2 — who is 64 years old, by the way — indicated that nobody had assaulted her and that she had caused her own injuries.

Threat of the Week was left out this week due to the fact that when it is this hot outside, people go and do the crazy shit they have been threatening to do all winter.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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