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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police files 

No New York: A 44-year-old woman filed a police report after being threatened at her house last week. The victim told officers the suspect approached her and stated, "Fuck you, New York, I am going to shoot up your house." And you thought playing Boston in that school play decades ago could never come back to haunt you.

Family Values: Officers responded to McClintock Middle School after an unwelcome guest made an appearance. A CMS police officer said he had spotted a person who had been banned from "Family Night," which was taking place at the time. The officer spotted the boy hanging out in a separate building from the events; he was apprehended and released to his stepfather. There's nothing better to encourage family activities than to completely kick someone out of them.

Street Justice: A 24-year-old woman told police after being threatened in a place where she thought she would be safe. The victim told officers that she had already dealt with her case at the Charlotte courthouse when the suspect approached her and stated, "I want to settle this. I will beat your ass right now and I will fuck you up." If that's the way things worked I would watch Judge Judy far more often.

Doggone: A 26-year-old woman called police after her neighbor became hysterical. She told officers she had been in a long-running dispute with her neighbor over his dog not being on a leash. When she approached the man this time, he freaked out, picked up a pumpkin from her porch and smashed it on her driveway. Meanwhile, we figure the dog took the opportunity to bolt from this crazy man's "care."

Young Rosa Parks: An 11-year-old girl filed a police report last week after being assaulted on her school bus. She told officers that a classmate — Young Bull Connor — scratched and then bit her when she refused to leave her seat. It used to be they'd only arrest you.

Latent misogyny?: A 43-year-old man called police after his family was threatened by a known suspect last week. The suspect called the victim and said, "I'm going to fuck you up. I will come up there and break your daughter's fucking legs. I'm going to beat the shit out of you." Interesting how these threats often target the daughters.

Mobile Meat market: Omega Meat Inc. filed a police report last week after a truck went missing. The report states the driver never returned with the $5,000 worth of meat he was carrying. As someone who constantly reads police reports about people stealing Slim Jims from convenience stores, I kind of have to respect this guy.

Trick or treat: An officer working undercover last week got more than he bargained for. He made contact with a woman who offered to perform oral sex on him for $20. The hard worker told the officer she could hook him up with some crack, too. He gave the woman the "buy money," which was a photocopied $20 bill. She walked to a nearby door and returned, telling the undercover officer the drug dealers had stolen the 20 bucks. (Uh ... sure.) It's a good thing they arrested her anyway: When the dealers notice the fake money, they won't be thrilled.

Threat of the Week: A 22-year-old woman filed a police report last week after being threatened by multiple known suspects. The woman told officers she received 210 calls from the suspects in a single day. During one call, a female suspect said she was coming over and would "hurt whoever is in the house." Another female suspect called later and stated that she was coming to get her godson and would "fight whoever is in the house." OK, that's two calls. We're wondering what the suspects said in the other 208?

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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