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Bizarre crimes from Charlotte police reports 

Hot Date: Employees at a local Walmart called police after two men shoplifted from their store. Multiple employees saw the men concealing items throughout the store before they both left and got away for a short time. Officers responding to the call saw the men a short distance away and apprehended them both after having to chase one. The two men were found to have $1,688 worth of Crest Teeth Whitening Strips, $150 worth of razors, $140 worth of dental adhesive and more than $900 worth of DVDs (everything from Rambo to Toy Story 3). Looks like your Match.com date will have to wait one more night.

Circle of Life: A 41-year-old woman called police after being threatened by a known suspect. She told officers the man called her and stated, "Bitch I'm going to kill you. I don't care what it takes. I'm going to get you — even if I have to go back to prison."

Book 'Em: Police responded to a call two weeks ago after employees at ImaginOn were confronted with a couple whose imaginations just weren't doing it for them anymore. The duo was caught having intercourse in a public area of the library, and both suspects were arrested for indecent exposure. Just don't put them in the same cell.

I Poked You: A 16-year-old boy filed a police report after receiving a threat via the Internet. He said that one of his classmates left a message on his Facebook wall that stated: "Hope I see you tomorrow or it's smash time nigga! S.O.B. going to slay that ass." Anyone who writes in third person is a complete moron. Ryan Pitkin could never imagine himself doing that.

Memories: A 23-year-old woman called police after her home was burglarized. She told officers that while she was gone, unknown suspects forced their way into her apartment and took her laptop. They also got away with her cordless home phone and her daughter's "life" book. I'm familiar with this scam; 20 years later her daughter will get a ransom note, threatening to burn all of her baby pictures.

We Cater: A 37-year-old woman called police after she was threatened by her live-in boyfriend. She told officers the two were arguing one evening when the man said: "If you don't get out of this house, I am going to fuck you up hard and then carry you out." This relationship is moving in the wrong direction. On your wedding night, you're supposed to carry her into the house and then handle business.

Not A Mystery: Police responded to the scene of a hit-and-run accident to find a 28-year-old male driver shook up. The victim told officers that he was in a parking lot off of Sardis Road when "an unknown male driver with shaggy hair operating a green SUV-type vehicle" collided with his car, damaging the front fender. The car then took off without leaving the necessary information. They will be back ... as soon as Shaggy gets Scooby Doo to throw out the joints they were all smoking at the time of the crash.

Need A Ride: A 31-year-old woman filed a police report after being harassed by an unknown suspect over the span of two days. She told officers that the man kept driving by her house; she witnessed it four times in two days. The victim said that she decided to make a report after the suspect yelled at her to get in the car "or else." Let me guess — it was a green van with "The Mystery Machine" painted down the side, wasn't it?

Clothes Hopping: Employees at a local Kohl's store called police after a woman attempted to carry out a very complex, if not convincing, shoplifting scam. Employees told officers the woman first entered the store and brought several items of clothing back to the dressing room. She concealed some of them under her clothes and brought the rest back to the return desk at customer service as if she had already bought them. The woman was given a store gift card for the clothing and continued to browse the store. She then brought more items to the dressing rooms and concealed some of them under her already bulging clothing. She attempted to pay for the rest with her fraudulent gift card but was stopped by security. I guess if you try all shoplifting methods at once, you figure one will work.

Threat of the Week: A 38-year-old woman called police after her entire family was threatened by a known suspect. She told officers that a man called her and said: "Your baby's daddy owes me money, and if he doesn't pay, I'm going to kill you and your kids." So next time you call your baby's daddy to tell him that he owes you money and if he doesn't pay you're going to kill him, you will have something else to talk about.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department.

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