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Bizarre crimes from the Charlotte police files 

Welcome Back: A 50-year-old woman came back from her vacation to find that everything not bolted down in her house had been removed by thieves. The list of stolen items includes a refrigerator, a grand piano, a stereo, a 60-inch TV, washer, dryer, king-size bedroom set, a dining room set and two more bedroom sets. I hope you're insured.

Good Karma: A 25-year-old man called police when he realized his Jeep's front window had been smashed and the car rummaged through. He later told police the glove box was rifled through, but nothing stolen. The "items of extreme value" in the front seat, however, were untouched. This man is a children's director at a local church, and that day the big guy upstairs must have been looking out for him.

Scary Thought: A 56-year-old man filed a police report after being threatened by a known man. He told police the man pushed him onto the sofa and stated, "I'm going to fuck your ass." The police officer who filed the report pointed out, "The suspect did not do so, however." Well, that's always good to know.

Child's Play: A 24-year-old woman told police that she had been threatened by a familiar woman. The suspect came to her apartment door at 11 p.m. and yelled, "I'm going to beat your ass when I see you in front of your kids." To which I'm sure the woman replied, "They have school in the morning, but let me wake them."

Fatherly Love: A 28-year-old male called police after being threatened by his own father. The man said he and his dad got into an argument, and his father told him he would kill him by placing a "hit" on him. You know the saying: I brought you into this world, I can pay someone to take you out.

Slick Trickster: An employee of a car stereo shop was fired recently, according to his report to the police, when his boss realized that he was clocked in on his day off, leading to him being paid $300 he didn't earn. This was the guy's day off. Blame the person who clocked him in; he couldn't stop him from doing it.

Follow the Scent: Employees of a store called Sweet Spice called police after finding that the hinges on their dumpster lid were broken. They told police that it was obvious that someone had been in the dumpster looking for food. Not that I want to be in any dumpster, but to smell like the dumpster of a place called Sweet Spice seems like this guy might not be too hard to find. Then again, I doubt he has the money to pay for repairs.

That's Hot: Three girls, who all work at the same tanning company together, filed a police report stating that they have been receiving sexually explicit calls from a known number. The girls told police that over the course of a week they have received six calls from a man who made explicit comments such as, "I want to spank you." The customer also moans and groans into the phone. What's the difference between a moan and a groan, anyway?

Soup-er Criminal: A 20-year-old woman advised police that she was assaulted while waiting in line for food. The woman was in line at a soup kitchen when the suspect approached her, said something and then threw a punch that hit her on the head. This economy just has everyone pissed about how much they're paying, or not paying, for soup.

Threat or Promise: A 46-year-old woman called police after being threatened by an unknown female over the phone. The woman received a call from a woman who stated, "I'm going to molest you, bitch." The suspect then called back later and said, "I'm at your door." But no one was at the door. Someone across town probably opened his or her door to find a rude awakening.

Snow Monsters: A woman called to file a police report after she claimed her car was pummeled by snowballs as she drove down a street in her neighborhood. That's what happens lady – it's the best part of a snowstorm for kids. If you can't take it, do like the rest of us Charlotteans and act as if a few inches of snow means you have no responsibilities for a day.

Threat of the Week: A 29-year-old woman called police after being threatened by an ex-boyfriend over the phone. The man called and told her, "I'm going to slit your throat just like I cut the brakes on your car." Damn man, you really know how to ruin a surprise ending.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Meckleburg Police Department.

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