Bizarre crime from Charlotte police files (June 9) 

Who Me? As if run-ins with the in-laws aren't awkward enough, an incident in south Charlotte last week will make dinners for one family dreadful for many years to come. Police reported coming across a woman asleep at the wheel of her car in the parking lot of a Harris Teeter in the Providence Commons shopping center. When officers asked the woman who she was, she gave them her name, which was later discovered to be her sister-in-law's name. When police found out that she was lying they took her into custody on some outstanding (and brand new) warrants, filed under her real name.

Con Call Blotter tip: If you let a stranger use your phone, stay vigilant. A man in a southeast Charlotte apartment complex got too comfortable after a stranger asked him to use his cell last week. The victim told officers he was hanging out alone in his friend's Chevy Impala when a man walked up and asked, "Can I use your phone to call my girl?" It must have been a pretty long conversation, because the victim said he fell asleep and when he woke up the suspect had absconded with his phone.

Clueless The stereotype that women are terrible drivers was busted last week when one woman in First Ward called the police to report a hit-and-run on her vehicle. When the officer arrived at the scene, they saw yellow and green paint transfer on the left of the rear fender. The woman stated that her boyfriend had the vehicle on the previous night. After taking a look around, the woman noticed a damaged fire hydrant 30 feet away from the car, and that's where it gets fuzzy for everyone involved. The officer and woman agreed that it looked as if the car had struck the fire hydrant, but the boyfriend claimed he didn't hit anything, and said that even if he did, he didn't remember any of it. He also couldn't provide his address or any driver's license information, meaning he's either real stupid or real smart. It turns out both, because the report states that even though the officer and girlfriend both believe he's lying, they "do not have any evidence as to him driving the vehicle during the crash," so he couldn't be held liable for the damage. Damage to the relationship, however, won't be so easy to dodge.

Kitchen Nightmares Last week, we reported on a man broke into a woman's laundry room and began a cycle wash. We hope we didnt give anyone ideas, because this week someone reported that suspects smashed the rear patio glass doors of an empty apartment, where they started cooking food. This makes us wonder, did they bring their own pots and pans?

Family Feud One elderly gentleman just north of Uptown found out how ungrateful grandchildren can be when he was pushed out of his wheelchair by his own grandson during an argument. The 73-year-old man suffered minor injuries to his legs during the incident and was hospitalized.

Dirty Girl Last week, a woman on the north side of town found that her Nissan Sentra had been attacked around noon, but it wasn't the normal key-ing or broken window. This time the suspect got dirty, reportedly throwing and rubbing dirt all over the car. The victim reported that the vandalism left scratches, causing $200 in damage.

Glass Houses A teen (we hope) reenacting a movie cliche from the '80s brought his own modern day twist into the mix when they tried to get in touch with a teenage boy in east Charlotte last week. The boy told officers the suspect was throwing pebbles at his window to get his attention, trespassing on his property to do so. By the time the teenager looked, the suspect was gone, but they sent the boy an Instagram message later in the night to explain why they had trespassed. You could've just started with the message.

Munchies Last week, some interesting paraphernalia was discovered and turned in as lost property. Whose property it is, we don't know, but all evidence points to a drug dealer. Police reported that someone came across a once-vacuum-sealed package labeled "Cookies" with reefer residue, two digital scales and a Chinese doll of drug baggies — 10 sandwich baggies within a larger sandwich bag within yet another sandwich bag — among other items. So far, no one has come forward to claim the items.

Drunk Drivers Two idiots driving around Uptown were involved in a vehicular collision on South Tryon Street last week, only to find that they would make a good pair of friends. The officers said that while investigating the collision, they found both drivers to be "appreciably impaired" and arrested them. They had plenty of time to compare party stories together in the jail down the street.

Juicy A 50-year-old man in west Charlotte came out of an argument with an acquaintance last week tasting much better than he had before. The man told officers the suspect had assulted him with a marinating needle inside his home, although it's unclear at this time what flavor he now is.

Blotter items are chosen from the files of the Charlotte-Mecklenburg Police Department. All suspects are innocent until proven guilty.