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Blow by blow 

Yes, it's hard work

Got a question about blowjob etiquette.

I'm a straight woman, 23 years old. I used to love giving blowjobs. I gave them to my ex-boyfriend, "Peter," often and joyfully. He was appreciative. After we broke up, I started dating "Paul." I assumed my love of fellatio would continue. But the first time I went down on Paul, I got the sense he was holding back his orgasm. While this is a great attribute during intercourse, I hated it when giving him a blowjob. He would often go limp halfway through! I kept going with my usual vigor, aiming toward his having an orgasm, which he held back for 45 minutes! I was angry afterward because I felt he hadn't been a good partner. Just laying back forever letting me work my jaw, tongue and mouth until they just about fell off?!

Even after we talked about this, he continued this behavior, which made me want to stop giving blowjobs at all. Eventually we broke up, albeit after two years, but since then I haven't been able to rekindle my love of giving blowjobs. I'm afraid I'll wind up with another Paul and not a Peter. Is it too much for me to ask that the guy I'm going down on pops in a reasonable amount of time? Or am I expecting too much?

Having A Cock Block

Blowjobs are hard work, as you know, and it's inconsiderate for a dude to draw one out endlessly. So no, HACB, you have a right to expect a guy to come in a reasonable amount of time, and a guy who holds back and fights off his orgasm is being selfish and inconsiderate.

But is that what Paul was doing?

If those blowjobs went on so long that Paul lost his erection, it seems unlikely that he was maliciously prioritizing his pleasure at the expense of your comfort. Perhaps Paul simply can't come from oral sex alone? Some men can't, HACB, and they often worry that they'll be seen as freaks. Straight men are supposed to value blowjobs above all else, we're told, and consequently, guys who can't come from head alone are often shy about saying so. So they'll just hang in there in hopes that they'll eventually come.

When Paul's endurance pushed you out of the comfort zone -- after, say, 20 minutes -- you had a right to say something like, "If you don't dig/can't come from oral sex, that's cool." If he asked you to continue and 10 more minutes went by and he still wasn't able to come, you had a right to say, "Honey, my jaw's falling off. Let's fuck/masturbate/shower/sleep/subpoena Karl Rove instead."

Finally, HACB, maybe it was your technique? Lots of straight guys are so thankful to be getting head at all -- particularly from a woman who's enthusiastic about it -- that they worry they'll look like ingrates if they say anything that might be construed as critical of the woman's technique. It never hurts to ask someone, "Hey, anything I can do to help get you there?" Say it with a smile on your face, not a look of annoyance. Maybe all Paul needed was a finger in his ass and the opportunity to request it.

(Guys who can't come from oral sex alone, er, unload in a new web extra, which you can read at www.thestranger.com/savage/oralnotenough.)

Women's rape fantasies come up pretty frequently in the column, but men's rape fantasies don't come up so much. I am a mid-20s straight woman who dates a lot. Even though I occasionally fantasize about being raped and I make it perfectly clear to the men I date that this is just a fantasy, I am creeped out by the fact that some of the men I've dated have fantasies of raping women. Do you think that's unfair?

Double Standard

Yes I do, DS. Women who open up about rape fantasies -- with their partners, in letters to skeezy sex-advice columnists -- are always quick to include a qualifier along the lines of "this is just a fantasy," making it clear to all that they are not interested in actually being raped. Well, just as a woman can have rape fantasies without wanting to be the victim of an actual rape, a man can have rapist fantasies without wanting to commit an actual rape. And really, DS, where would ladies with rape-victim fantasies be without men with rape-perp fantasies?

What do you say on the "morning after" to friends you've slept with drunk that you would not sleep with sober? Say you pretty much blacked out and have little recollection of the sex, but they are joyful and thinking this is the beginning of something special. You, on the other hand, want to crawl out of your skin, shower until they are gone, and forget what you do remember. What do you say to them without hurting their feelings? Any advice?

One Too Many

Them? What do you say to them? How about, "I have a drinking problem." Because if you're having blackout sex with friends you're not attracted to frequently enough to toss a plural pronoun around so casually, OTM, booze is your problem, not sex.

A new Savage Love podcast is available for download every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage. To ask Dan Savage a question, write to mail@savagelove.net.

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