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Boyfriend's action is inexcusable 

I feel ridiculous e-mailing you about this, but I figure that if anyone has seen or heard of all manner of asshole behavior during sex, it would be you.

I'm a 17-year-old girl, and I've only had one boyfriend - who was, at the time, 21 and, I thought, completely perfect. I'm glad it's over, and I learned my lesson. The only thing that's still bothering me is the reason we broke up. After promising that he would never hurt me, and reassuring me that he was sexually experienced and SO passionate about contraception, I finally agreed to have sex with him and lose my virginity. And in the middle of fucking me, he removed the condom without a word! He was hoping I wouldn't notice! I did notice - and I kicked his ass to the curb. He cried, he sent me stupid gifts, and he still calls. But at least he didn't get me pregnant.

My question is this: How upset should I be about this? Or is this something that horny males do all the time? I'm not traumatized. I suppose I could nominate him for "Crappy Boyfriend of the Year," but surely someone else's boyfriend has done worse things and deserves the title. I really just don't know how to feel about this.

Just Confused

How upset should you be?

Very.

Did you do the right thing?

Absofuckinlutely.

Hell, JC, you did precisely what I would have urged you to do had I been in the room. Of course, the second-to-last thing a straight girl needs in the room with her when she's losing her virginity to some asshole straight boy is a gay man twice her age desperately trying to get out. But if I had been there, JC, and I realized what was going on, I would've stopped trying to break down your locked bedroom door long enough to give your boyfriend - aka the last thing you needed in the room that night - something to cry about for real.

You consented to intercourse with protection, and that asshole deceitfully initiated unprotected intercourse. When a fucker removes a condom during intercourse - gay or straight, vaginal or anal - it invalidates the fuckee's consent to the fucking. (And what is sex without consent, class?) So your "more experienced" boyfriend sexually assaulted you, JC, and placed you at risk of an unplanned pregnancy - and for what? An ever-so-slightly enhanced orgasm for him?

What.

An.

Asshole.

This isn't something that decent guys do at all, JC, much less "all the time." He's an abusive douchebag, and you're well rid of him. Here's hoping his next girlfriend takes proactive steps to make sure the condom stays securely on - I'd suggest staple-gunning the thing in place.

I'm an 18-year-old female college student in New York City - of average weight and attractive in the face. With all the freaky people out there, you would think I would be able to find a guy to satisfy my kinky side. I'm extremely dominant - in and out of the bedroom. Most of the submissive guys I find are 50-year-old white men. When I do find younger guys who are into the whole submissive thing, they just want sex and not a relationship. Where can I find a submissive 18-year-old guy interested in a serious relationship?

All About Me

P.S. When I say dominant, I mean I get off on inflicting pain, the whole nine yards.

OK, AAM, at your age you can't have found, much less played with, more than a handful of subs close to your own age. As your sample of New York City's teen subs is so small, you should refrain from drawing any broad conclusions about this relatively large group of men. While some young sub males may not be into relationships (just like many nonsub young males), I would guess the majority are looking for love and hard-to-explain-at-the-gym bruises.

So why haven't any of the subs you've played with wanted a relationship? Well, AAM, some were probably not interested in relationships, as you hypothesize, while others simply weren't interested in a relationship with you. Sexual compatibility and emotional compatibility do not necessarily go hand in hand, AAM. The sub guys you meet via Internet personals and through BDSM groups who dig your attractive face, average weight, and pain-infliction technique may be repulsed by your personality or your politics. Like any other woman in New York City - 18 or older, black or white, kinky or vanilla - you're just going to have to hang in there until you meet a guy who digs everything you have to offer.

My good friend Sarah tells me that you said you would give me a shout-out in your column last week for my birthday. I probably would have shit my pants and exploded with birthday happiness. But you didn't. So I just wanted to say thanks for ruining my 21st birthday. Oh, and if I could get the $3.25 back that I paid for the hardcover of The Commitment I found in a bargain bin, that would be fantastic.

Patrick From Portland

P.S. Just kidding. You're still my favorite sex columnist. But seriously: my birthday? Totally ruined.

Sorry about that, PFP. I will make it up to you by personally administering a belated birthday spanking the next time I'm in town.

Download the Savage Lovecast (Dan's weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage. To ask Dan Savage a question, write to mail@savagelove.net.

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