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Boyfriend's hesitancy bothers her 

My boyfriend of 16 months and I have a great relationship. He loves my blowjobs, but he will not kiss me if I have his come in my mouth. It grosses him out. We have talked about this, and he won't even try. I have no problem if he kisses me after going down on me. I just want him to try. Is there something wrong with asking him to taste himself? I do it all the time and love it.

Missing Kisses

It's funny your question -- with its hint of gay panic -- should arrive today. I've been on vacation with the family all week snowboarding in beautiful British Columbia, and what I enjoy most -- besides the snowboarding and the half-naked, fully stoned Australian snowboard instructors lolling around in hot tubs at the end of the day -- is watching the straight boys who refuse to sit four to a chairlift. They want to ride up alone or ride up two at a time on a four-seater with two empty seats between 'em. They seem to think gayness can be contracted through thigh-to-thigh contact.

Which it can.

Now, MK, there's kissing someone with your come on her breath and then there's kissing someone with your come in her mouth. It sounds like you're interested in the latter, which makes it sound like you're interested in passing some of your boyfriend's load into his mouth -- i.e., snowballing -- and not simply being rewarded with a kiss, his come on your breath, for a blowjob well-done. And that's an entirely different wad of spunk.

Just because you enjoy tasting yourself on his lips, doesn't mean your boyfriend will enjoy or should have to enjoy mouthing his own load. First, there's a significant difference in volume and consistency between you kissing his glazed lips and him eating his own spunk. And then there's this: After a woman comes, MK, she's still in a groove, still capable of more orgasms, still cranked up. After ejaculating, a man is essentially uncranked. He's not capable of another orgasm (not right away, anyway) -- he's been knocked out of his groove. So even if the idea of snowballing appeals to a man as you're blowing him, it might not hold the same appeal the moment after he comes.

Some men are afraid of tasting their own come because they believe that doing so, like sitting too close on a chairlift, can turn a guy gay. And it's not an unreasonable fear: Not because it will turn a guy gay, but because, judging from my mail, a lot of women are convinced that any man who would taste his own come must secretly be gay. It's possible that your boyfriend is dying to taste himself, MK, but, like the boys on the chairlifts, is afraid of getting a reputation if he goes ahead with this and you blab about it to your friends.

I was recently on an airplane seated next to a man talking on his cell phone. The man stated that he "was excited to use his new strap-on tonight!" It made me wonder why and how a guy would use a strap-on. Wouldn't he just use his own penis? When I glanced over at this guy, because I wasn't sure how a man would use a strap-on, he told his caller he had to go as he was getting the "stink-eye" from me. I wasn't disgusted, just curious because he acted like this was a normal toy for guys, not to mention an appropriate conversation to have on an airplane. All my gay friends were stumped, too. I was wondering if you could solve this mystery.

Stink-Eye In 12E

The most obvious answer: The strap-on was a late Christmas gift presented to him to be used on him, not by him. A slightly less-obvious answer: Some small-dicked men -- ones who are not at all insecure -- use strap-ons on partners who enjoy a "filled-up" feeling from time to time. The least obvious answer: The man on the airplane was a female-to-male transsexual who, like a lot of forward-thinking FTMs, declined to get an expensive phalloplasty during his transition and the pretty much nonfunctional penis a phalloplasty "endows" an FTM with. Instead, he invested in a high-quality, looks-like-a-prick, feels-like-a-sneaker strap-on.

If your gay friends couldn't come up with any of these answers, SEI12E, you need smarter, more insightful, more credible gay friends.

I have a question of a more medical nature for you. My husband and I have been married four months, both virgins at the time of marriage. We have sex three or four times a week and always use lube. The problem is that sex is very painful for me. On my back or from behind is uncomfortable, but tolerable. Me on top is unbearable. My husband is aware, and sensitive, to this issue. He makes sure I'm relaxed and will change positions or stop when I ask. Will it get any better? I want to have sex without any hesitation.

Painful Intercourse Needs To Stop

Here's an idea that might help, PINTS: Have more sex but less vaginal intercourse. Get some oral-sex sessions into the mix, along with some mutual-masturbation sessions; in other words, sex you can have without hesitation right now. Then go see a doc to make sure there isn't a medical issue here. If there isn't, slowly work vaginal intercourse back into the mix, experimenting with new positions and lubricants, without eliminating oral and mutual masturbation as stand-alone sex acts you can enjoy with the husband and sex acts you can transition to when vaginal intercourse isn't working for you.

Download the Savage Lovecast (Dan's weekly podcast) every Tuesday at To ask Dan Savage a question, write to

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