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ANDY GRIFFITH RECEIVES PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF FREEDOM

Must be for the time he finally caught Ernest T. Bass.

YO, K.FED RAPS!

Brit's baby daddy Kevin Federline kickstarts his c(rap)tacular career with wack rhymes about being chased by "Pavarottis," making us long for Vanilla Ice.

BOBCATS PLAY TO FULL HOUSE WHILE both THEY AND PANTHERS LOOK BETTER THAN EXPECTED

Hey, we thought this wasn't supposed to be a good sports town.

OLIVER STONE is FILMING MOVIE ABOUT 9/11

Will Ferrell wants to play Bush and says My Pet Goat scene could be his "Oscar moment."

CHARLOTTE GOES GA-GA OVER CIRQUE DU SOLEIL

Exorbitant ticket prices? A beautiful production no one can understand? In the middle of a motor speedway? Thirteen bucks for a program? Hell yeah, Muffy, that's world class.

GUITAR-PLAYER TONY BLAIR ASKS OZZY HOW TO "GET THE RIFF TO 'IRON MAN'"

Glad to see the terrorist attacks haven't distracted the Prime Minister from the UK's real problems.

JUDGE ALITO UPHELD DECISION FORCING WOMEN TO TELL THEIR HUSBANDS BEFORE GETTING AN ABORTION

But it's OK, because the husband is also ordered to hold open the door for his wife when he kicks her out.

CONSERVATIVES BOYCOTT "AMERICAN GIRL" DOLLS BECAUSE COMPANY IS "PRO-ABORTION, PRO-LESBIAN."

The company, in turn, is offering a new doll: "Tiffany the Right-Wing Idiot" (including toy assault weapon and swastika armband).

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