Charleston's Glorious Speed Bump 

Speed Week is here, and our city fathers are shouting out our vulgarity to the world, united in the belief that Charlotte is the divinely ordained site for the NASCAR Hall of Fame — and eager to prostitute themselves in every way imaginable to fulfill our destiny.

But down in Charleston, they have this wild notion that Southern charm has nothing to do with roaring engines or fried chicken. Fearlessly, without a twinge or a twang, they're bringing on Spoleto Festival USA for its 29th year. No thrashing around for an identity in South Carolina's distinctive Port City. On the Friday before Memorial Day, the mayor ascends the steps of City Hall at noon and, after a brief ceremony, Charleston becomes the center of the known cultural world for the next 17 days.

Frankly, all this glory has descended upon Charleston without citizens or religious leaders arriving at a community consensus. My wife and I sit down at some of the best restaurants in town, restaurants lauded nationwide, and we regularly encounter residents — some new to town, others who have lived in Charleston all their lives — who have never attended a single Spoleto event.

That should be reassuring for Charlotteans who might occasionally feel like outcasts because they've never littered the grandstand at Lowe's Motor Speedway with chicken wings. But what are we to say about the Average Joes down in the Low Country? Obviously, they haven't mastered art criticism to the extent of John-Boy and Billy, let alone acquired the art erudition of our esteemed Mayor McCrory. And their theater criticism skills lag woefully behind those of Hoyle Martin, Don Reid, Bill James and the good Rev. Joe Chambers.

No, these deluded rubes must have the notion that provocative theater, highbrow classical music and outré art can actually draw tourists — to a Center City that doesn't boast a single skyscraper! Head down to Charleston and you'll see the consequences of preserved buildings, permanent marketplaces, seaside parks and rampant performing arts.

You won't be alone. The streets of Charleston, the fairgrounds, the incredible array of restaurants and the theaters will be filled with curiosity-seekers like you.

For a full rundown of the 120-plus performances scheduled at Spoleto from May 27 to June 12, the spoletousa.org website is your gateway to some of the finest singers, dancers, actors and instrumentalists on the planet. If you're craving more confusion — or less expense — the Piccolo Spoleto site at piccolospoleto.com will guide you to an additional 700 events at Charleston's satellite festival.

Here's a rundown of what figure to be the best attractions at Spoleto for 2005:

Theater

Little people and monologists take the spotlight this year. Henrik Ibsen's revolutionary A Doll's House is audaciously reimagined for the new millennium by director Lee Breuer and the famed Mines Mabou Theatre company. Rumor has it that all the men in Mabou Mines DollHouse (May 27- June 12) are conspicuously short in stature as our heroine Nora seeks to fly her coop.

Somewhat tentatively, Spoleto is offering a series of Solo Turns at Emmett Robinson Theatre, enabling ticket buyers to see three monologists for the price of 2-1/2. If the discount isn't deep, the scheduling is amply wide, obliging you to attend all three weekends to catch Mike Daisey's The Ugly American (May 29-31), Hazelle Goodman's On Edge (June 3-5) and Heather Grayson's After the Storm (June 10-11).

On a more ambitious scale, Amajuba — Like Doves We Rise (June 7-12) captures the memories of five intriguing South Africans. All these actors look back on childhoods spent in the waning days of apartheid.

Opera

Puppets invade the opera slate, upstaged by dense foliage engulfing a classic. Mozart's Don Giovanni (May 29-June 11) gets a new environmental staging at infrequently used Memminger Auditorium with an enchanted forest surrounding the entire hall. No less adventurous is the US premiere of Die Vögel (May 27-June 11), an adaptation of Aristophanes' The Birds by Walter Braunfels, a composer blacklisted by the Nazis.

Most outré of all will be Basil Twist's puppets onstage at Dock Street Theatre in Ottorino's Respighi's La Bella Dormente nel Bosco (May 28-June 10), a retelling of Sleeping Beauty. Since the 1922 original was written for puppet actors supported by human voices, the concept isn't really so far-fetched.

Dance

Bring on da funk — again! If you missed Savion Glover last month at Belk Theater (or you didn't get enough of the tap master), he and his jazz combo return to Gaillard with Improvography (May 28-29). Spoleto's dance attractions are always fabulous, so you shouldn't skip Emio Greco (May 29-June 1) and their unique meld of classic and tribal flavorings if you're anywhere close to the Port City. No less tasty is the smorgasbord offered by Hubbard Street Dance Chicago (June 10-11), including choreographer Christopher Bruce's settings of Rolling Stones classics.

Jazz

The lineup keeps expanding with more discriminating and adventurous choices every year. Prime guests this year are Brazilian guitarist/songwriter Guinga (June 9-11) in the intimacy of the Recital Hall at the Albert Simons Center and the legendary Shirley Horn (June 4) in the vastness of Gaillard. Other attractive imports include the American debuts of Frenchman André Mehmari (May 28) and Brazilian Renaud Garcia-Fons (May 29-30). Both bassists — and their trios — make their bows at The Cistern.

Music

The fabulous Bank of America Chamber Music Concerts are a constant lunchtime joy with the personable Charles Wadsworth introducing the music and a world-class stable of instrumentalists making it memorable. Eleven different concerts are performed three times each for the entire duration of the festival at 11am and 1pm daily. Headliners include violinists Chee-Yun and Corey Cerovsek, pianists Wendy Chen and Jeremy Denk, clarinetist Todd Palmer, flutist Paula Robison and the dynamic St. Lawrence String Quartet.

John Kennedy's 20th Century Series, Music in Time, peeps out of its nest at the Albert Simons Center for the first time — hopefully a harbinger of mainstream audience appeal. Music in Time en Plein Air (June 1) will showcase So Percussion, which promises to rock The Cistern with Iannis Xenakis' powerful Pléïades.

Don't overlook the late afternoon musical treats. Aside from the Music in Time series, there are easier-to-swallow Intermezzi (May 30-June 10) at Grace Episcopal Church. And the Westminster Choir Concerts (June 2, 9), at Cathedral Church of St. Luke and St. Paul, are a foretaste of heaven if you can snag a ticket.