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Come Now 

Stop dicking around and get real

Fortyish, straight, white dude here. I have this weird (possibly misogynistic) belief that, when it comes to sex, I can't win. Actually, I think men in general can't win. Thoughtful, well-meaning men at least. It comes down to this: During sex, if the man doesn't come, it's the man's fault, because he clearly has problems with his dick and is barely even a man and should be ashamed of himself. If the woman doesn't come, it's also the man's fault, because he's clearly bad at sex and doesn't even care and is barely even a man and should be ashamed of himself. So am I a misogynist or just a guy with issues? Any advice for me moving forward?

Yeah, I Got Issues

If you've been with women who blamed you when you didn't come, YIGI, and then turned around and blamed you when they didn't come, well, that had to be annoying. Or maybe you're referring to something in the ether and not to any inability-to-climax/inability-to-induce-climax shaming you've actually come in for. (Have you been with women who shamed you like this? If so, and again, that had to be annoying. Have you been with any women at all? If not, it's possible your letter is an MRA setup and/or you're a misogynist with issues.)

If this has actually happened to you, YIGI, chalk it up to "some people are awful, women are people, some women are awful" and let it go. And remember this about men: Sometimes we come during sex, sometimes we don't, the number of times we don't increases with age. Focus more on intimacy, connection, and mutual pleasure, YIGI, and less on spooging all over everything — and seek partners with the same focus.

As for women: You do know that dick alone isn't gonna do it for most women, right? Only a small percentage of women can come from PIV intercourse alone. (If you didn't know, you know now, and you're welcome.) And you're familiar with the clitoris, right? (If you weren't, Google it, and you're welcome.) But if you find yourself in bed with a woman and you're having difficultly helping her come (you're there to help not make), ask her if she can make herself come. If she can't, odds are you won't be able to help her come, either — not you, not anyone else. If she can make herself come, ask her to masturbate to climax while you watch. Make a close study of what works for her. If she touches herself in a certain way, learn to touch her in that way. If she busts out a vibrator, use that vibrator before, during, and after PIV or instead of PIV. Good luck.

I'm a fan from way back. A therapist told me to go out and have some fun — I'm a married woman with teen boys and feeling a bit lonely — but I'm not looking to have an affair. I just want a spanking now and then. I found the one kink club I visited in New York to be kind of depressing, and my spanking friends are more of a social group who hang out on the weekends. I just need a little recreation — some good, clean spanking fun. Would love your advice.

Seeks Paddling And Needs Know-How

Kink enthusiasts, like dentists and accountants and troglodytes (hey there, CPAC), have conventions, SPANK, where like-minded/employed/aroused folks meet and socialize before heading up to their hotel rooms for some good, clean kinky fun. I think you should get your ass to one of the many spanking conventions out there — and so does Jillian Keenan, journalist and author of Sex with Shakespeare, a memoir about your shared kink (spanking) and how Shakespeare's plays helped Keenan discover and accept herself, as a human being and as a kinkster. (It sounds like a stretch, I realize, but do yourself a favor and read Sex with Shakespeare — it's a funny, moving read, and it's packed with fresh and convincing kinky reads on Shakespeare's plays.)

"National parties are a great way to get safe, fun, no-sex spankings and meet other people in the scene in a low-pressure environment," said Keenan, who sent along a list of events all over the country: Shadow Lane (Las Vegas), Boardwalk Badness Weekend (Atlantic City), Crimson Moon (Chicago), Spanking Club of New York (New York City), Texas All State Spanking Party (Dallas), and Lone Star Spanking Party (Houston).

On the Lovecast, dating someone with borderline personality disorder—it ain't pretty: savagelovecast.com. Follow @fakedansavage on Twitter; mail@savagelove.net.

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