Welcome to a new, improved edition of Ask Boomer With Attitude, brought to you live from Charlotte, N.C., where you don't need taste as long as you have enough money. What's so "improved" about the new Ask BWA? For one thing, it's commercial-free -- if you don't look at the other side of the page. Plus, we've added a couple of fake questions to the ones readers sent in, just to liven things up. See if you can determine which are which.
Dear BWA: I've been keeping up with the VA hospital scandal and the Scooter Libby trial, and I'm seriously wondering: can the current administration possibly sink any lower? -- Fed Up
Dear Fed Up: Need you ask? Of course they can, and they will. In fact, a senior administration weasel tells us that Bush & Co have plans to take reckless negligence "to the next level." "Rats and mold at Walter Reed? You ain't seen nothing yet," said our source. "Wait till you see the hospital's secret Abu Ghraib Wing for soldiers with 'suspicious' injuries. They've got dogs, a Lynndie England look-alike, and all kinds of electrodes. We outsourced the whole thing to those great Blackwater folks in North Carolina, just like we did the war. It'll be huge. I mean, we're talking Walter-gate." When asked why the White House seems bent on infuriating American citizens, the senior weasel said, "I'm glad someone finally asked. The truth is, the Boss is sick of being president, and he keeps hoping the Democrats will impeach him so he can go home and finish My Pet Goat, but so far they haven't had the guts. I mean, look at the record: invading a country that hadn't attacked us; abandoning New Orleans to the "privatized" wolves; spying on U.S. citizens. I'm telling you, when the Dems took over, the Boss started packing his bags. But it turns out Americans are scared to death of having Dick Cheney in the Oval Office, so the Boss thought up this Walter Reed thing to up the ante. He figured that outsourcing the hospital to a former Halliburton exec, cutting medical staff by two-thirds, and introducing our wounded soldiers to big rats would be a 'perfect storm', combined with the Libby trial. The Boss thinks the Libby thing will force Dick to resign, then he'll name someone harmless as the new Veep, and the Dems will finally crank up impeachment hearings. But you know the Dems -- spineless -- so that's why the Boss came up with the Abu Ghraib hospital wing -- just to be sure everyone is sickened enough to kick him to the curb. If that still doesn't work -- and here's your scoop -- look for bombing runs against the Lower Ninth Ward in New Orleans, and who knows, Dubya might even hold a press conference in a Klan outfit -- anything to get out of the mess he's made of his life; oops, I mean the world."
Dear BWA: How is shutting down stores that sell wine in Belmont supposed to reduce crime? -- Not Believing This Crap
Dear Not Believing: Since you sent in your question, City Council has upheld Mayor Fratboy's veto and backed away from its stunningly stupid idea to buy out the owners of small Belmont stores in order to supposedly reduce crime. You know we're in trouble when McCrory has to be the one to keep things real. Moronic, half-baked proposals such as the Big Belmont Buyout only see the light of day because our part-time council doesn't have time to study issues thoroughly, is overly willing to vote for proposals that will benefit developers, and depends on city staff to come up with proposals to fix problems -- which, in turn, has created a city staff that seems increasingly disconnected from the elected officials they're allegedly serving, not to mention the general public.
Dear BWA: Will U.S. Airways passengers who suffered through missed flights and interminable delays because of airline computer glitches be compensated in any way? -- Bumfuzzled and Grounded
Dear Bumfuzzled: Mais, certainement. In fact, U.S. Airways sent out thousands of "We're Incompetent and We're Sorry" gift packs early this week as "a token of appreciation for not killing any of our employees yet." The packs included tickets good for 50 frequent-flyer miles, permission to slap one condescending ticket agent, plus two extra bags of pretzels and five alcoholic beverages on your next flight. Unfortunately, the Charlotte-bound gift packs were lost in transit, but new ones should be arriving soon.
Dear BWA: Is there any chance that the anti-lightrail petition will garner enough signatures to force a re-vote on the county's half-cent transit sales tax? -- Waiting For A Train
Dear Waiting: The anti-transit tax petition has at least as good a chance of success as the anti-gay marriage amendment proposed in the state legislature. Remember: never underestimate the power of rightwing nut politicos and preachers to goad their ill-educated base into action. Nor lawmakers' willingness to cater to them.
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