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Cut all ties with dangerous sociopath 

What do you do when you meet the human equivalent of heroin?

I've been messing around with a dominant guy for about a year now. It is by far the most unhealthy "relationship" I've ever been in. First, I have no desire to be with this guy in any way besides fucking around with him. I do not respect him or like him. Our fucking around consists of me giving him head and him slapping me around. Pathetic, huh? I've tried to quit seeing him many times. I changed my phone number, but he just started showing up at my house. When I started dating someone, he refused to quit seeing me. Prior to the relationship, I let him use my house keys one night. He made copies of them without my knowing, and while I was in a relationship, he came to my house one day and pretty much forced me to give him head. I was terrified after that. I changed my locks. I told him that if he ever came over again I would call the cops. Still, despite my having a boyfriend and me ignoring him for months, he still called, e-mailed, and stopped by. Since then, my boyfriend and I broke up, and his stalking has escalated. The few people who know the details about our "relationship" have begged me to get a restraining order. The problem? What he does (the dominating, not the stalking) still turns me on. Even after the "attack," even during my relationship, when I masturbate, I think of him. I'm scared of him and turned on by him. I would go to a psychiatrist, but I'm very embarrassed by it. I'm a very normal person, healthy in many ways. So what gives? He's a very attractive guy and he can get many girls -- why won't he leave me alone? Why can't I stop myself from seeing him?

I'm a female in my mid 20s. Completely normal, except for this dark secret.

Anonymous

It's fun to have a dark secret -- lots of "completely normal" people do. But you can have your dark secrets, and all the kinky sex you like, with someone else. There are other guys out there who can do for you exactly what this guy does for you now -- and it can be a guy you like, a guy you respect, a guy who respects you enough not to take advantage of your submissive streak.

You have to put a stop to this. Move, change those locks again, get that restraining order, and stop seeing this guy once and for all. He may be hot, what he does to you may be hot, but the stalker stuff -- to say nothing of the rapist stuff -- is shit frosting on an otherwise hot piece of cake. Stop swallowing it before you get seriously hurt.

And you know what, A? You can go right on masturbating about your experiences with this guy without interpreting that as evidence that you're somehow obligated to continue servicing him. Lots of people have fond memories of sexual experiences with sociopaths, and masturbate to (or is it about?) those memories, but only an idiot keeps fucking around with a sociopath. And this guy won't loom quite so largely in your erotic imagination, A, once you've found someone else to do this stuff with.

My girlfriend's parents are very wealthy and are paying for her education. They also bought her an apartment and give her tons of spending money. My dad is dead(beat) and my mom is a waitress, and I'm paying my way through school. My girlfriend demands gifts and flowers. I pay for everything when we go out. Other than this, she's sweet and attractive. Once I graduate and start working, I'll be happy to pay for everything. But how do I convince her that things have to be more egalitarian for the time being without losing her?

Boyfriend Reeling Over Killer Expenses

P.S. She's only ever physically affectionate after I've spent money on her.

DTMFA, BROKE. And here's hoping that the girlfriend's parents invested all their money with Bernard Madoff, and that the spoiled-rotten little whore they raised has to get a job and start pulling her own weight.

I've been reading your column since I was 13. I'm 20 now and dating a 41-year-old crossdresser. We were friends for six months before he told me he wouldn't be able to spend time with me anymore unless we "got closer." A couple months later, he told me he is into pegging. Now, pegging is all he wants to do. He also told me that he wants to transition from male to female, but he changed his mind and stopped going to his appointments. All that is background to what has been happening recently. When we fight lately, he makes threatening gestures like he is going to punch me. He also pulls my hair and chokes me. He refuses to apologize and tells me I deserve it. I don't know what to do.

Worried And Sad

You've been reading my column since you were 13, WAS, and you don't know what to do? DTMFA -- right fucking now, this fucking minute, without fucking delay. Choking and hair-pulling is physical abuse; telling you that you "deserve it" is emotional abuse. And those raised fists -- not very ladylike of him, I must say -- are a prologue to more extreme acts of abuse. DTMFA. You deserve better, and he -- well, he deserves to be pegged by a predator drone.

Is "saddleback" a sex act? If not, can you define it as one? Or if it is, can you popularize it? I'm wondering because each time I hear about Rick Warren, I can't get past the name of his church.

Jeffy Lube

Stephen Colbert joked that "saddleback" was a sex act on his show, but he didn't define it. So I guess we'll have to. Suggested definitions for saddlebacking can be sent to saddleback@savagelove.net.

Download the Savage Lovecast (Dan's weekly podcast) every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage. To ask Dan Savage a question, write to mail@savagelove.net.

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