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• Best of all, the document is named, "REAL resume, not a joke!"
It was such a masterpiece, it was almost a shame he sent it out only twice a week. If I'd written something this brilliant, I would've sent it out 50 times a day until Hollywood came calling with a sitcom deal.
I was sure he was going to get some responses from people who just wanted to see the author of such a craptacular document, but he never did. Then it dawned on me that a lot of real résumés are just as bad or worse. My friend was able to finish an entire novel before his unemployment allotment ran out. He is now shopping the book around.
We may debate the purpose of life, or whether it even has a purpose, but one thing we can all agree on is that we were not put on this Earth to work, work, work. To be the master of one's time and oneself is the obvious ideal. Most people don't experience this until retirement, when they're old and broken down, when they have to go to the bathroom every five minutes, and no one will have sex with them without advance cash payment. I say fuck that, I'm having my golden years now. And they are golden! Youth is not being wasted on this youth.
Every once in a while I'll find myself in downtown D.C. in the middle of the day and I'll see all the drones hustling this way and that with their pinched little waddles, looking at their watches and pouring Starbucks into their faces, and I'll think, my God, I'm the luckiest bastard alive. Maybe I'll have to pay for it on the back end and work as a Wal-Mart greeter when I'm 85, but then again, I'll have a lot of company.
At some point recently, probably while you were listening to a Dan Brown audiobook on your commute, those decadent pinko, Socialist, pacifist, cheese-eating, nap-taking, 25-hour-workweek Europeans became the dominant economic power in the world. The EU is the new United States, and the United States is the new ... Mexico?
And it's not my fault, it's because of people like you! High-earning workaholic assholes like you who feel entitled to buy big houses with gimmick mortgages and drive huge cars that force our government to subsidize gas prices, who run up credit card debt buying products you saw on your Chinese-made big-screen television and then vote Republican so you can pay less than your fair share of taxes! It's your fault our country is now a second-rate power! Now who's un-American?! You are! And I'm the real patriot! Ironic, isn't it? I'm basically a bald eagle flying over Mount Rushmore while Hank Williams Jr. sings the Monday Night Football theme song in the background, and you're basically John Walker Lindh, American Taliban!
So who wants to drink to the red, white, and blue?
You're buying.
Franklin Schneider is a freelance writer living in Washington D.C.