June 25, 2003 News & Views » News Feature

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Dr. W's Incredible Amazing Cure-All 

Advice for weary Americans

By
Dear Dr. W,

I'm a Fortune 500 CEO with a salary in the low seven figures. Five years ago, my compensation helped me maintain a comfortable executive lifestyle. But with the current moribund economy, I'm having a hard time keeping up. What can I do? -- Leasing A Lexus

Dear Leasing,

Have you considered an old-fashioned tax cut? That's a remedy that has worked for many a struggling CEO. A little extra cash might allow you to buy that Lexus!

Dear Dr. W, As a middle-class American, I'm having trouble making ends meet. My husband just lost his job in a downsizing and my salary has been cut. What steps can we take to achieve fiscal health?

-- Struggling Soccer Mom

Dear Struggling,

You've got it rough. What you need is a good dose of tax relief. A 10-year, multi-billion dollar tax cut is the closest thing to a cure-all I know. While your initial benefit may only be a few hundred dollars, this medicine has a well-known "trickle-down" effect. Those taxpayers with larger incomes will spend their extra money on new mansions and luxury cars, thereby stimulating the economy. At the end of those 10 years, there's an 80 percent chance that your husband will have his job back and, who knows, you might even get a salary increase!

Dear Dr. W, I live in one of the largest of the 50 states. Thanks to federal cutbacks and a slumping economy, the state's infrastructure is crumbling and social welfare programs are being eliminated. The schools are increasing class size again, our university system just imposed a 20-percent tuition hike and hospitals are laying off staff. Should we be asking Washington to prescribe something?

-- State Of Despair

Dear State,

Hey! Who's the doctor here? You don't need federal assistance. You need a little something called a tax cut. Once people get to keep more of their money to spend on goods and services, you're going to see a big jump in revenues from excise, sales and property taxes. But I might suggest that you seek psychological help so that you can learn to stay positive and not blame others for your financial ailments. My friend Karl is an expert counselor. He's helped me through many a crisis.

Dear Dr. W, I'm a longtime worker in a nuclear power plant. Thanks to regulatory cutbacks and plant mismanagement, we've suffered several minor radiation leaks in the past two years. I'm losing my hair and experiencing a severe shortness of breath. Should I quit my job and seek unemployment benefits?

-- Glowing In Gardenia

Dear Glowing,

Whoa, there. Better hang on to that job -- those unemployment benefits would only provide short-term relief. What you really need is to keep more of your hard-earned money. The economic stimulus of a tax cut creates so much wealth that your employer will be able to offer a better health plan. Then you can go to a specialist, rather than writing to a newspaper doc like me. But I wouldn't worry too much about going bald. Look at my good friend Karl!

Dear Dr. W, I've just survived a devastating war. My country was extensively bombed and the machinery of our government is in disarray. The invaders promised to rebuild, but I see little evidence of that happening. What can I do?

-- Bombed In Baghdad

Dear Bombed,

You can't depend on some outsider! You need a do-it-yourself program. Have you considered tax cuts? Let me know how that rebuilding thing turns out.

Dear Dr. W,I'm considering entering the race for the Democratic presidential nomination. But with the Republican incumbent's high popularity rating and our party's anemic platform, I don't know if I'm up for it.

-- Wasted in Washington

Dear Wasted,

Ordinarily, I'd prescribe a big dose of tax cuts for your party's platform or possibly a call for another war. But in your case, I suggest liberal applications of home remedies such as tax and spend, government intervention and social welfare programs. Give it about two years, and then drop me a note about what happened. You'll be able to reach me at this same address through January 2009.

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