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Dubya Does Drugs 

It's the law

As President, I think I need to explain the recent changes in laws about drugs under Medicare. There's a lot of confusion and misunderstanding about the law so people seem really confused and misunderstood. Let me explain the important parts of the law, or at least the parts I understand.

Discount Drugs: Just in time for the presidential re-selection, all those on Medicare received a discount card they can use to save money on drugs, prescription drugs. Not over the counter drugs, or under the counter drugs, if you get my meaning. Time to take my pills.

Here's how the card will work: the card is free for those in poverty, most of whom won't even vote for me, so I don't know why we bother. Anyway, the card is voluntary if you want it and mandatory if you don't. Unless you're already saving money on drugs, this card will save you some money. Don't ask me the details, but the card will be signed by me and you can take it into the voting booth with you, but only on election day, of course. And if you have the card, you are prohibited from voting for any candidate who say, is endorsed by a medical doctor, especially one from Vermont.

The Deductible: Starting in 2006, in the middle of my second term, anyone covered under the program must pay out of their own pocket a deductible of $500 per year, the year being based on either the Jewish or Chinese New Year, depending on where you live, like the Central Time Zone, which is an hour earlier -- or later, I forget.

Then, after the deductible, you're covered for the next $2500 of your prescription costs, during that fiscal year. The government will pay the cost, though there is a co-pay of $22.35 for generic drugs and $51.38 for a prescription with its brand name. It's just like if you go to a bar and order a Tequila Sunrise, which I used to do a lot and now my daughters are carrying on that tradition. If you order your Tequila Sunrise with any tequila, it's cheaper than if you order like Cuervo Gold. Let's face it, after five or six, it doesn't matter what tequila you use. But this is just an example, a simple illustration of the law, the way it was explained to me by Dick Cheney. I do know for a fact that bar drinks are not covered under this new law. This law is about buying drugs, not alcohol. It's a drug bill, not a bar bill. (I thought of that myself.) These new pills are great. Woo!

Then, after you've spent $4500 out of your own pocket, you're on your own. This is called a doughnut hole, though in fact doughnuts are not covered. Then, once you spend the next $5500 on drugs yourself, the government will pay 62.5 percent of the cost of generic drugs and 32.8 percent of call brand drugs.

What About Domestic Partners? I think it's better to have a domestic partner than a foreign partner. Do you know how much of our imports come from foreign countries? Oh, I see. OK, we're talking about people in metrosexual relationships. No coverage for them, you have to be married in a church, well, a church that won't marry same sex couples -- or a synagogue for Jewish voters. But not mosques because they gave money to Osama Bin Ladin, but that doesn't mean all Islamers are not patriotic. Some are. I think those are the Shiites. I love that word. It sounds like you're really cursing. Imagine being part of a religion that sounds like that. Maybe it's the Sunnies who are loyal. I'll have to ask Dick.

What About Drugs From Canada? No, our new plan does not cover drugs from Canada because they're not safe. That's what my friends and contributors who work for large American drug companies say. Even though there's never been any reported safety problem, you can't be too careful, especially because drugs from Canada are so much cheaper. It's like the difference between American and Canadian football. In Canada, you have to go 110 yards to score, so you can see the difference right there. Plus, some of them speak French.

What About State Programs? The law only applies to states that voted for me in the 2000 election, including Florida, which actually voted for the other guy but we took care of that problem. In all other states, they can get coverage if they vote for me in the 2004 election. Otherwise, no coverage.

And let me say finally, that I hate politicians who try to make this issue of drug coverage political. As far as I'm concerned, however Rush Limbaugh gets his drugs is OK with me. But the government shouldn't pay anyone's bar bills, especially for metrosexuals.

Hey, what do you call a letter written by a guy on meth? Crank letters! And believe me, I get a lot of them. I should be on David Leno's show.

Can I have another one of those pills? Are these pills covered under our drug law? They should be. Everybody should feel this good.

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