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Extra! Secret Haiti conference 

The N.C. Emergency Management Team told Charlotte officials last week that the city should prepare to give medical care and shelter to evacuees from Haiti. CL has discovered that before the public announcement, the NCEMT hosted an online conference to give the news to several local government leaders. We have acquired a partial transcript of the conference, which shows the city and county's bigwigs operating as efficiently and professionally as usual. The transcript begins a minute or so after NCEMT had told local officials to get ready for the upcoming influx.

County Commissioner Bill James: What?! Haitians here in Charlotte? No way, Jose!

City Councilwoman Susan Burgess: Well, I think it's wonderful that we're gonna help those poor people. Just think of all the great publicity it'll mean for Charlotte! I might even invite a couple of them for a get-together in my hot tub (giggles).

James: I'm glad you're excited, Sue, but you may want to think twice before getting into a hot tub with the Haitians.

Burgess: What? Why?

James: Well, from what I've read -- and this is my main concern with this whole refugee thing -- Haiti has a lot of AIDS cases, which means lots of homos ...

County Commissioner Vilma Leake: Don't make me hurt you, Bill, bringing up that kind of crap again.

James: Vilma, I'm talking about Haitians.

County Comm. Chair Jennifer Roberts: Bill, I think you're thinking of Africa.

James: Isn't Haiti in Africa?

Leake: LOL! No, dummy, it's right off the coast of Florida.

Roberts: Please, no name-calling.

Leake: Stuff it, Abe Lincoln.

Roberts: Wow, they told me you could be mean, but damn ...

County Manager Harry Jones: Can we try to get back on track here? Now my concern is that we already have so much on our plate ...

Burgess: Don't worry, Harry, I don't think they want DSS to take 'em in, especially since that might screw up your next bonus ...

City Councilman Smuggie Mitchell: Sue, come on. Put down the wine, and focus on the issues.

Burgess: Bite me, Smuggly.

Police Chief Rodney Monroe: Hey, come on, people. Back to business. Don't make me send over somebody with a Taser. ;-)

Burgess: Ooh, I'm shaking, Rod. Why don't you send Marcus Jackson while you're at it, or somebody else y'all screened so well?

CMS Supt. Peter Gorman: Excuse me, but this is ridiculous. Does CMS really need to be at this meeting?

Jones: Not really, Peter, unless some Haitian families stay and need to find a school, but we can deal with that later.

Gorman: Thanks, Harry. CMS is outta here.

CMS Board Member Kaye McGarry: Wait a minute, I'd like to go back to Bill's concerns about the AIDS thing. Isn't there some way to screen the Haitians beforehand to weed out the gays?

Leake: Don't make me hurt you, Kaye.

McGarry: Come on, I'm serious. Do we have a way to screen out gays, or not?

Roberts: No offense, Kaye, but that might be the most insensitive thing I've ever heard. We're talking about earthquake victims who need some help and compassion. Geographically, these are our neighbors ...

McGarry: And you'd want to save the gay ones?!

Roberts: That's not the issue, Kaye. We need to figure out how to do this evacuation thing right. Think of the Hmongs and the Katrina evacuees. This community has a history of welcoming those who need shelter ...

Leake: Right. I guess that's why we have 8,000 homeless in Charlotte.

Rep. Sue Myrick: If I could just interrupt here for a moment ...

Burgess: Oh, Sue -- I didn't know you were in on this, too. Did the coffeepot tell you to come?

Myrick: You all know I'm a charitable Christian, but I'd like to know what kinds of precautions have been taken to keep out Islamic terrorists.

Jones, Roberts, Mitchell, Leake: Huh?

James, McGarry: Yeah, Sue's right!

Burgess: What am I right about?

Mitchell: Not you -- the other Sue.

Burgess: Oh. How about, so I don't get confused, y'all call Myrick "Coffeepot"? LOL!

Monroe: God almighty -- can we stay on the subject? I'm getting serious about that Taser, y'all.

Myrick: Thank you, Chief Monroe. OK, back to the most important issue here: terrorists. Are they being screened out? Plus, how secure is the camp where we're keeping the Haitians -- I say we need heavily armed guards, in case we miss a terrorist or two. Matter of fact, why not just send 'em to Guantanamo?

Jones: I'm not believing this. With due respect, congresswoman, this is an emergency situation and ...

Myrick: So was 9/11!!! It's our duty to be vigilant at all times! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Jones: This is hopeless. Why don't we try this again tomorrow?

Mitchell, Roberts: Good idea, Harry.

James, McGarry: But what about the homos?

Burgess: Hey, where's my glass?

Leake: Don't make me hurt y'all.

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