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Father doesn't know best 

I accidentally discovered that my son-in-law is into BDSM sex as a "dominant." A few weeks ago, he was holding one of my dog's leashes and tried to stop my dog (a 13-year-old, docile golden retriever) from running up to another dog by violently yanking on the leash. My 65-pound dog was violently spun around with a loud snap.

I reacted in a very hostile manner. He defended his actions, and I started swearing at him. My daughter told me I was overreacting, and they both left in a huff. Thinking about this, I realized that I was thinking about my son-in-law inflicting pain on my daughter in the same way he did to my dog. I can't stomach the thought of seeing him again and decided that I had to explain my reasons to my daughter. I said that I could not accept her husband getting pleasure from causing her pain. She reacted with hostility, first telling me it was none of my business and then denying he behaved in that manner. She said I was crazy.

I didn't tell my daughter that I had snooped in their home and found his ligatures and spanking porn. I told her that she should talk to someone about it and said that I would not tell her mother. She eventually told her mother, and I was forced to explain my reasoning and the source of my knowledge to my wife. I feel that getting pleasure out of causing another person pain and humiliation is not an acceptable form of behavior. Now my daughter and son-in-law are not speaking to me. I don't ever want to see him again but would like to salvage my relationship with my daughter. Any advice?

Distressed And Depressed


I am a 27-year-old female, single, with an active dating and sex life. I find that I really enjoy sex while high, both for its ability to help me lose my inhibitions and for the way it makes me feel physically. The problem is that while marijuana works well as a social lubricant, it leaves my mouth bone-dry -- which is in no way conducive to giving a good blowjob. Water barely works at all to solve this problem. How can I continue to smoke presex and still drum up enough saliva for a good blow?

Blowing Smoke

Your problem is very interesting, BS, but I actually have more to say to DAD. Hold tight a minute.

Look, DAD, your daughter is right. What she and her husband get up to in bed -- or playroom or sex club or airport restroom -- isn't any of your fucking business. And while you may feel that "causing another person pain and humiliation is not an acceptable form of behavior," someone who finds pain and humiliation erotic -- someone like, oh, your daughter -- might come to a different conclusion.

DAD, you snooped and consequently learned some things about your kid that you didn't need to know. You learned stuff that you, as a parent, have a right not to know. And guess what? It's your own damn fault. Your only option now -- after you apologize to your daughter and your son-in-law -- is to pretend that you don't know what you damn well do know.

And, DAD, that's an awfully big leap you're making from "my son-in-law accidentally hurt my dog" to "my son-in-law is intentionally abusing my daughter." Not knowing how to pull a dog away from another dog isn't proof that your SIL engages in intentionally cruel, nonconsensual, dangerous BDSM sex. OK, so he doesn't know from dogs. But you can rest assured, DAD, that most people into BDSM are careful and considerate and make sure their bottoms or subs are human, for starters, and enjoying the ligatures and spankings just as much as they are because, you see, that's the only way BDSM tops can keep bottoms and subs coming back for more.

While it's unfortunate that seeing your son-in-law with a leash in his hand conjured up some rather upsetting mental images -- like, oh, your daughter being "snapped back" by a quick tug on a leash -- those mental images are, again, your own damn fault, DAD, and you're going to have to take some responsibility for 'em.

But take comfort. Ligatures and spanking porn are pretty softcore, as BDSM gear and interests go. Spend 10 minutes surfing around,, or to get a taste of how much more extreme your daughter and son-in-law's interests could be. Then go sit down with your daughter and ask her to explain a bit about her turn-ons to you, because you need some reassurance that she's not being abused and that her sex life with the son-in-law, whatever form it takes, is mutually pleasurable, consensual, and rewarding. And finally, promise her that you will never, ever bring any of this up again, that you won't go snooping ever again, and that you won't hold any of this against your son-in-law.

OK, BS, your problem can be solved with a can of Coke -- or, better yet, Pepsi, which just donated $500,000 to Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, all but daring the American Family Association to launch a boycott. Trust me: You'll find it much easier to get cock down your throat when stoned after you pour a little high-fructose corn syrup down it.

I'm in my mid-20s and recently started sleeping with a co-worker who is in his late 40s. The sex is incredibly hot, but last time I spontaneously called him "Daddy," and then he started in with "You've been a very bad girl" stuff -- and it really turned us on. Afterward, we were a little freaked by the idea that we were basically evoking the image of a father abusing his daughter. Is this as creepy as it seems?

Phreaked In Phoenix

The power imbalance built into an affair with a much older co-worker weighed on both your minds until -- ta da! -- out popped daddy/girl stuff while you were fucking. So do you want to fuck your actual dad now, PIP? Does he want to fuck his actual daughters, if he has any? If the answer to both these questions is "no," then this isn't a problem. Remember, PIP: He's not your daddy; he's a daddy.

Download the Savage Lovecast (Dan's weekly podcast) every Tuesday at To ask Dan Savage a question, write to

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