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Feet First 

Toeing the line in this relationship

I am a 23-year-old student who just got dumped by my girlfriend after a year together. We argued forever about why it ended, but the issue that really stood out was this: I love feet! I like to think I'm a regular guy like everyone else, but when it comes to sex, nothing drives me wilder than feet. Not like those porns out there that do the weirdest shit with them -- no, I'm just turned on by beautiful women wearing sandals. I can't help it! My ex has beautiful feet and every time we were together my main priority was getting her toes in my mouth, licking her soles and kissing her ankles. Is that wrong? Can this really be a justifiable reason to end a relationship that lasted a year?

Her Left Foot Lover

So it sounds like she was plenty GGG -- willing to wear the sandals, willing to let you suck her toes, lick her soles, kiss her ankles. Good, giving, game. But your letter left me wondering what she enjoyed. What turned her on? How did you indulge her? When were you GGG? That's missing from your letter, HLFL; I'm thinking it's because it was missing in your relationship.

If you neglected her needs while she indulged your fetish, then the feeling of your tongue on her toes eventually ceased to be a delightful, or delightfully kinky, sensation. Damp toes became a reminder that she -- a good, giving, and game girlfriend -- was sadly stuck with a thoughtless foot fetishist for a boyfriend, a man so fixated on his own precious sexual priorities that he completely neglected her desires. And that's a completely justifiable reason to end a relationship.

Hear me out. You've pushed the idea that everyone must be GGG, or "good, giving, and game," and that people in relationships must be sluts for each other, and that women must perform oral sex. I agree that sexual satisfaction for both parties in a relationship is important. I think that is what you are trying to express. But that is not the message straight men are hearing. Straight men are hearing that they are entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want it, whether the women they're with like it or not. And any woman who objects is a horrible person.

Please set the record straight! A clarification from you is long overdue. Please let straight men know that women don't owe them anything. Men don't owe women anything. When a man wants something from a woman, it's her choice to give it. It's not her duty. And you have to be a decent person to earn it!

Please Say This

First off, PST, while it's true that I've "pushed the idea" that women must perform oral sex, I've also pushed the idea that men must as well. "Oral sex is standard," I wrote. "Any model that comes without it should be returned to the lot." That applies equally to both men and women, regardless of sexual orientation.

As for GGG, perhaps a clarification is in order. ExtraUgly.com is selling "Good Giving Game Girl" T-shirts and their Web site defines GGG as "the three key attributes of a good, freaky sex partner. As promoted by Savage Love. Buy it for all yo favorite ho's."

Memo to ExtraUgly.com: GGG isn't just for girls, and being GGG doesn't make someone yo' ho. Boys who are virgins on their wedding nights can be GGG and so can girls uploading amateur ATM porn from their dorm rooms. Here's what I wrote when I first coined GGG: "'Good, giving, and game' is what we should all strive to be for our sex partners, as in, 'good in bed,' 'giving equal time and equal pleasure,' and 'game for anything -- within reason.'" (Please note that "within reason," selfish, demanding kinksters.) GGG is something straight women, straight men, lesbians, gay men, bisexuals, MTFs, FTMs, etc., should all strive to be.

Where we part ways, PST, is the "owe" issue. I happen to believe that we owe our sex partners a few things. Good personal hygiene, for starters, followed by a sense of humor, a willingness to meet our lovers' needs and cleanish sheets. And someone who's unwilling or incapable of meeting a partner's needs owes 'em permission to get those needs met elsewhere -- safely and responsibly, within reason, and on a budget.

But these are merely my secrets for a happy, fulfilling, lasting relationship. Folks who prefer stressful, aggravating, short-lived relationships -- ones characterized by shouts of "I don't owe you anything!" -- are free to disregard my advice.

A new Savage Love podcast is available for download every Tuesday at www.thestranger.com/savage. To ask Dan Savage a question, write to mail@savagelove.net.

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