SHARK TALE Forget the Finding Nemo comparisons: On its own, Shark Tale still only qualifies as so much cinematic chum. Call me old-school, but when it comes to animated features, I prefer the lyrical classicism of Beauty and the Beast and Pinocchio to the hipster stylings of Shrek. But current tastes dictate that we'll be seeing less of the former and more of the latter; that's acceptable as long as the films are fresh and funny, yet if Shark Tale is any indication, this sub-genre is already starting to run aground. Will Smith handles the largest role as Oscar, a hip-hopping fish whose dreams of success are realized once he's mistaken for a courageous shark-slayer. He's aided in his efforts at duplicity by Lenny (Jack Black), an out-of-the-closet shark running away from a mob family that doesn't accept his alternative lifestyle. Shark Tale is all about getting jiggy with pop culture references, with much of the weak humor coming from riffs on famous movies (Jerry Maguire, A Few Good Men), famous products (Coral-Cola, Kelpy Kreme) and famous songs ("Car Wash" becomes the anthem at the Whale Wash). Even Katie Couric is reinvented as fish reporter Katie Current, though amazingly, today's two biggest media whores aren't on hand as, say, Larry King Mackerel and Stingray Leno. There's little novelty in hearing Robert De Niro, Martin Scorsese and other familiar Italian-Americans as the voices of the maritime mobsters, and the animated characters simply aren't appealing from a visual standpoint. A few clever sight gags pop up now and then (such as the sushi restaurant that understandably has no customers), but for the most part, this one smelled fishy from the start. 
CURRENT RELEASES
CELLULAR After being kidnapped for reasons unknown, a teacher (Kim Basinger) is able to jerry-rig a busted telephone so that it's able to make one random call. She ends up dialing the cell phone number of an aimless kid (Chris Evans) who believes her pleas for help; after a failed attempt to notify the authorities, he decides he's the woman's only hope, though a conscientious police officer (William H. Macy) soon realizes something's up and begins his own investigation. This nifty thriller employs a full-speed-ahead approach that suits the material at hand, even if it never quite conceals the sheer improbability of the piece.
THE FORGOTTEN Slumming Julianne Moore stars as a woman who, after mourning the death of her son for 14 months, is suddenly told that she never had a child and that he only existed within her own delusional mind. What begins as an unsettling psychological thriller eventually morphs into a sci-fi curio that becomes less intriguing as it plays out. Certainly, this was one way to go, but scripter Gerald DiPego (whose past exercises in gloppy metaphysics include Phenomenon and Angel Eyes) never plays fair, changing the rules based squarely on the demands of his storyline. Director Joseph Ruben manages to stage some genuinely creepy moments here and there, but they're squandered in a movie that ultimately drowns itself in an ocean of inconsistency.
GOING UPRIVER: THE LONG WAR OF JOHN KERRY This compelling documentary leaves no doubt that John Kerry is clearly more honorable, more courageous and more decisive than the criminal currently occupying the White House, detailing how he went from being a Vietnam War hero to a morally conscientious protestor of the conflict. Voters who've been duped by those preposterous Swift Boat ads concocted by weaselly John O'Neill (seen here in a vintage clip getting one-upped by Kerry on The Dick Cavett Show) may be interested to learn that Richard Nixon's office had formally tapped O'Neill to run a smear campaign against Kerry; indeed, the film's most sobering aspect is its ability to subtly highlight all the uncanny -- and frightening -- parallels between then and now. Yet while its shelf life as a political tool may be limited, the movie will continue to resonate for its moving look at the struggles of those returning vets who had to come to terms with their own personal beliefs. 1/2
LADDER 49 It was probably inevitable -- perhaps even desirable -- for a post-9/11 movie to be made that celebrated firemen, but did it have to be as dull as this one? If there's an original moment in this tedious (if earnest) drama, I must have been rubbing my eyes for a nanosecond and missed it; instead, director Jay Russell and writer Lewis Colick have managed to cram just about every overused melodramatic device into this one picture. In an effort to elevate these men (played by, among others, Joaquin Phoenix and John Travolta) to the level of heroes, Colick has stripped them of most traits, in effect leaving us with a roomful of cardboard characters in a threadbare film so desperate for material that it actually includes a karaoke scene and at least two musical montages. 1/2
MR. 3000 On one level, Mr. 3000 is an especially tired slab of formula, reminiscent of all those soggy comedies that Disney's Touchstone arm (which also released this film) used to churn out during the 90s -- the ones that typically starred Jim Belushi. Yet through sheer force of personality, Bernie Mac manages to elevate it to the middle of the standings -- he's clearly enjoying himself in this film, playing a vain baseball player who, nine years after his retirement, discovers that three of his 3,000 hits have been rendered void, thus forcing him to again don the uniform in an attempt to make up the difference. Naturally, the egotist softens in time for the finale, but Mac holds onto the character's prickly qualities longer than expected, thereby adding some spice to this otherwise bland porridge. 1/2
SHAUN OF THE DEAD No mere splatterfest, this cheeky UK import turns out to be a horror film, a romantic comedy, and a social satire all rolled into one. Shaun (played by co-scripter Simon Pegg), normally found getting drunk at the pub, snaps into action when a zombie epidemic suddenly hits town. If George Romero's Dawn of the Dead was able to draw a correlation between modern suburbanites and the post-apocalyptic zombies -- both of whom spend their time mindlessly wandering through malls -- then Shaun equals that feat by presenting its humans as zombies-in-training, aimless people who shuffle through life with no ambitions, no skills and no awareness of the world around them. The film includes the expected in-jokes, yet the comedy quotient makes this more accessible to general audiences than most zombie flicks.
SKY CAPTAIN AND THE WORLD OF TOMORROW A large-scale achievement that's both retro and futuristic, Sky Captain features cutting-edge technology in the service of a storyline that harkens back to the days of Flash Gordon. While the actors are flesh-and-blood -- or, in the case of Angelina Jolie, fleshy-and-bloody-hot -- practically everything around them was created on computers by debuting writer-director Kerry Conran. I wish that Conran's script (and his attendant direction) exhibited a bit more pizzazz, but it's serviceable enough, with heroic Sky Captain (Jude Law) and spunky reporter Polly Perkins (Gwyneth Paltrow) trying to uncover a labyrinthine plot. From German Expressionism to screwball comedy, from The Wizard of Oz to Raiders of the Lost Ark, Conran's influences often make this seem like the fever dream of a hopeless film buff -- it may be derivative, but it's never dull.
VANITY FAIR A condensation -- and softening -- of William Makepeace Thackeray's novel, this finds Mira Nair (director of the wonderful Monsoon Wedding) filtering the tale through her own sensibilities. Yet her liberties don't cripple the piece -- more often, they provide a welcome sheen to a movie that often threatens to buckle under the weight of so many characters and plot strands. Although the script's episodic nature sometimes gets in the way of narrative propulsion, the lively characters -- and the hypocrisies they inadvertently champion -- always remain watchable. As the poor but plucky Becky Sharp, the 19th century social climber determined to carve out a better life for herself, Reese Witherspoon makes a perky protagonist, though her character needs a nastier edge to be truly believable. 1/2
WICKER PARK Josh Hartnett, offering further proof that anybody can make it in Hollywood without a shred of talent, charisma or even a pulse, plays Matthew, who meets the love of his life in Lisa (Diane Kruger) and is heartbroken when she unexpectedly drops out of sight. Two years later, he thinks he spots her in a restaurant, but his subsequent sleuthing only puts him into contact with a clingy individual (Rose Byrne) who may know more than she's revealing. A remake of a French thriller (L'Appartement) that never reached the US, Wicker Park is nothing more than a dull melodrama marked by plot coincidences of staggering stupidity. Kruger, the weak link in Troy, is even worse here, and whenever she and Hartnett share the same frame, you can almost hear the whooshing sound created by the two human vacuums filling the screen.
WIMBLEDON Like Mr. 3000, here's another generic sports flick that manages to somewhat transcend its mediocrity through some deft casting. Certainly, this romantic comedy is all been-there-done-that, centering on a struggling British player who falls for an American tennis star and finds his game improving as their relationship deepens. Coming from the same outfit that brought us Notting Hill, we expect to see Hugh Grant and Julia Roberts huffing on the court and off; instead, it's Paul Bettany and Kirsten Dunst, and this unlikely match (not to mention the actors' natural charm) provides the necessary bounce to this undemanding trifle. 1/2
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