ALEXANDER Suddenly, Caligula is starting to look good. Alexander is unremittingly dull, visually unappealing, narratively muddled, inadvertently campy, indifferently acted -- and that's just for starters. Colin Farrell gets trampled under the weight of director Oliver Stone's expectations in tackling the role of the warrior king whose claim to fame was conquering most of the known world by the time he was Ashton Kutcher's present age. Anthony Hopkins provides the doddering exposition -- lots and lots of exposition -- and, as Alexander's parents, Angelina Jolie (sporting an accent that suggests she's channeling Bela Lugosi) and Val Kilmer get to bellow and howl and gnash their teeth, to little avail. As for the murky battle sequences, they seem to have been shot by a camera while it was tumbling around inside a dryer. 
BLADE: TRINITY Blade II was that rare sequel that managed to trump the original, but the franchise ascension ends there. Blade: Trinity is easily the least of three, an overlong action yarn that has nothing fresh to say on the subject of vampires nor on the curious holding pattern of Wesley Snipes' career. Snipes again plays the taciturn Blade, the half-man, half-vampire whose mission to wipe out all bloodsuckers leads him to Dracula (dull Dominic Purcell), recently resurrected to help his demonic descendants take over the world. Or something like that. Except for the amusing inclusion of a vampire Pomeranian, writer-director David S. Goyer's thudding screenplay lacks a sense of the fantastic -- who wants to see endless car crashes in this context, or a foot chase between Dracula and Blade? 1/2
CHRISTMAS WITH THE KRANKS Not since Jingle All the Way has there been a Yuletide film as fascistic -- or as odious -- as this dreck about a couple (Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis) whose decision to skip Christmas draws revulsion from those around them. Simply on a comedic level, this is wretched, but dig deeper and you'll find a repugnant yarn whose idea of morality wouldn't be out of place at the Nuremberg rallies. The Kranks aren't allowed to think or act for themselves lest they upset the suburban status quo, and the intrusive, overbearing, conformist neighbors are depicted as heroes for converting the pair to their narrow-minded way of thinking. Thoughtful citizens who believe in freedom of choice without persecution will see right through this turkey and reject its unsettling -- and decidedly un-American -- overtures.
CLOSER How much one enjoys Closer fully depends on how charitable one feels toward the characters at the center of Mike Nichols' lacerating film, in which four people (Julia Roberts, Jude Law, Natalie Portman and Clive Owen) in messy relationships take the notion of "brutal honesty" to such an extreme that their words qualify as deadly weapons. Viewers not interested in shifting through the rubble of these people's immorality in an effort to locate some common truths will have no use for this picture, the most divisive film about modern relations since Eyes Wide Shut. Others willing to dig deeper in an attempt to understand (if not always empathize with) these recognizably flawed human beings will be rewarded with some choice dialogue and a quartet of finely etched portrayals -- not to mention a heady buzz that will remain long after the movie's over. 1/2
THE INCREDIBLES Writer-director Brad Bird refreshingly panders to no demographic, meaning that we're left with a, well, incredible animated tale that's more than just another superhero yarn. The bulk of the comic relief comes from costume designer Edna Mode, an Edith Head caricature voiced by Bird himself; the drama comes from the Incredibles, presented as the modern American family that's expected to conform to the societal status quo (i.e., blend with the bland) rather than champion its own uniqueness. The domestic conflicts triggered by their suburban ennui give way to an acceptance of their individuality and, consequently, an ability to pool their resources as both crime fighters and family members. It's emotional without being sticky-sweet, and just one of the reasons why this gem, for all its kid-friendly sops, feels like one of the most mature movies currently gracing theaters. 1/2
KINSEY Professor Alfred Kinsey spent 20 years studying gall wasps before his attention turned to a subject intrinsically more interesting: human sexuality. His controversial research formed the basis for his 1948 bestseller Sexual Behavior In the Human Male, and the ramifications of his groundbreaking work are still being felt -- and refuted -- today. Writer-director Bill Condon's intelligent movie is an exploration of the life and times of this complex individual, a man whose outrageous career choices were often at odds with his square appearance. And because of the dangerous direction this country continues to take, the film, anchored by excellent work from Liam Neeson and Laura Linney, emerges not only as a movie about another time but as a movie of our time, a reminder that progress can only be made when someone's willing to step up to the plate and challenge conformity and hypocrisy. 1/2
LEMONY SNICKET'S A SERIES OF UNFORTUNATE EVENTS Even in Jim Carrey's broadest work, it's difficult to see the gears in motion -- his comedic instincts are so fine-tuned, he morphs into his personas with amazing ease. Not so in this new picture, adapted from the best-selling children's series. As Count Olaf, a villainous actor who seeks to inherit a fortune by knocking off three orphans, Carrey delivers a disappointing performance, the sort of calculated turn we had come to routinely expect from Robin Williams. This pale imitation of the Harry Potter legend is merely an excuse to watch Carrey ham it up in various guises, and the showboating grows tiresome before long. Luckily, other elements of the project come to the rescue, from smart casting in the supporting ranks to a visual look that manages to be beautiful in its beastliness. 1/2
NATIONAL TREASURE There's a certain crazy appeal to the central thrust of this Jerry Bruckheimer production, which suggests that George Washington, Benjamin Franklin and other Founding Fathers did such an exemplary job of hiding a sizable bounty that the only way to find it is to use the map hidden on the Declaration of Independence. Yet while the film strives for the breathless pace of a matinee cliffhanger, it's too clumsy, too flat-footed, to generate anything more substantial than glazed-over glances in the general direction of the screen. It's better than typical Bruckheimer junk like Armageddon and Pearl Harbor, but it has no sense of pace or style, and it finds Nicolas Cage (as the do-gooder trying to protect the treasure from greedy foreigners) sleepwalking through yet another undemanding part.
OCEAN'S TWELVE As one of the members of America's Eleven -- i.e., one of those 11 moviegoers in the continental US who didn't understand the big deal about the box office smash Ocean's Eleven -- my expectations weren't exactly sky-high for this sequel. It's basically more of the same: a bunch of pampered, overpaid movie stars getting together with their directing buddy to shoot scenes for a film in between their nonstop partying through the world's hot spots. Only this time, instead of feeling like I was being forcibly ejected from the club, I at least felt like I was allowed a seat at the bar. This isn't much better than its predecessor, but it does contain more laughs, more satisfying complications, and more situations for some of its star players (notably Julia Roberts) to sink their million-dollar teeth into. 1/2
THE POLAR EXPRESS When it comes to animated features, how human is too human? This expansion of Chris Van Allsburg's children's book takes it to the next level, using cutting-edge computer technology to place its characters within throwing distance of real life. Unfortunately, the result is rather creepy, with the "humans" coming off as slick automatons; just call this The Stepford Movie. Also call it dull, derivative, and lacking the sense of magic that informs all of the great Christmas flicks. A "Harry Potter meets Scrooge" hodgepodge enacted on a plateau of plasticity, this yarn about a train that takes doubting kids to meet Santa is distressingly flat. Many will hail it as a Christmas classic, but a better bet for seasonal cheer would be a screening of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians under the influence of heavily spiked eggnog.
SIDEWAYS Movies in which characters hit the road in search of adventure and end up discovering themselves are nothing new to American film -- in fact, they're an integral part of our cinematic heritage -- yet this one is idiosyncratic enough to stand apart from the pack. Miles (Paul Giamatti), a chronically depressed high school teacher, and Jack (Thomas Haden Church), a has-been actor about to get married, decide to book passage to California's Santa Ynez Valley to tour the local wineries; while there, they get involved with two women (Virginia Madsen and Sandra Oh) who force them to reconsider their present outlooks on life. It should be noted that this lovely motion picture should itself be approached like a fine wine: Uncork it, give it time to breathe, and then luxuriate in its rich, heady flavor. It also ages nicely, holding up beautifully under repeat viewings.
SPANGLISH Tea Leoni should probably win some sort of Good Sport award for enduring the humiliations that writer-director James L. Brooks throws her way in this otherwise easy-to-take comedy-drama. Leoni is forced to take the character of the neurotic LA woman to the extreme -- she's presented as a miserable excuse for a companion, a wife and mother whose behavior makes her absolutely insufferable. The movie's true star is Spanish actress Paz Vega, who delivers a luminescent performance as a Mexican immigrant who accepts a job as housekeeper for a sensitive chef (Adam Sandler) and his lunatic wife (Leoni). Brooks juggles the story's themes with ease, and most of his cast responds in kind. Indeed, the only sour note in this melodious movie comes from Leoni's character, and fortunately, it's ultimately not enough to cripple the film.
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