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Get a room! 

I am a straight, 18-year-old girl and a college freshman. A couple of months ago, I lost my virginity to my first serious boyfriend, and since then we've been having sex several times a day. Apparently we have been a bit too enthusiastic, because my boyfriend received a note from his downstairs neighbors. In crass and abusive language, they told us to keep it down. I was mortified. Post-note, I've been tense and nervous during sex, more focused on listening for the neighbors than enjoying the act. This is upsetting me terribly, and I don't know how to make it better. Even if we are both silent, the bed inevitably squeaks and thumps. There is really nowhere else on campus for us to go (I have three roommates who don't get out much). What should I do? I am so depressed by this situation.

Loud And Clear

Go buy the original Broadway cast recording of Avenue Q. The next time you have sex, blast "You Can Be as Loud as the Hell You Want (When You're Makin' Love)" at top volume. When the neighbors complain about the music, tell them that they can listen to show tunes or put up with the noise you guys make when you have sex -- their pick.

In your columns on so-called "cuckolding," I wish you had mentioned that many men (and women) share their partners for reasons other than a fetish or an eroticized fear. My partner's sex adventures don't turn me on, but I encourage her for four reasons:

1. It makes her happy.

2. It takes the pressure off me to satisfy her.

3. It liberates me to have other lovers, too, whether or not I act on that freedom.

4. She brings me the sexual energy she picks up on the outside, which has revitalized our sex life.

The thing is, the term "cuckold" is insulting, and it supports a terrible, life-destroying lie of our straight-male-dominated culture -- that a man having sex with a woman in some way owns her. So when another man has sex with her, he's robbing the first man of something. Sex should be about love and pleasure, not possession.

Keep Possession Out Of Love

For some folks, KPOOL, sex is about love and pleasure and possession -- and there's nothing necessarily unhealthy about the desire to possess someone. We should all understand, of course, that we can never truly possess another person, but we shouldn't feel guilty when our hearts or genitals (women can feel possessive, too) feel a bit differently. Human beings should be rational ("I know I don't own you") about the irrational feelings love inspires ("I own your ass!"). It's not a crime when some folks eroticize those possessive feelings, like cuckolds (yes, the term is insulting -- that's part of the turn-on), or toy with them, like anyone who's ever gotten a thrill watching his or her partner flirt with someone else.

However, my boyfriend has a "Property of Dan Savage" tattoo in a secret undisclosed location, so perhaps I'm just being defensive.

I am a bisexual woman in a nonmonogamous marriage with a lesbian. We met one Sunday afternoon through an ad in our local alternative newsweekly. It was supposed to be a booty call, but Jennifer is so smart, witty, and just plain good that I had to have some more of her and her milky-white breasts.

The sex started off fantastic -- for the first six months, every time we got down was the best sex I've ever had. Eight years later, we've had lots of sex toys, some gents and ladies on the side, and a few sex parties, and we are just as passionate and creative in bed as ever. We respect each other's sexual autonomy and our other partners, as well as our own relationship. Domestically, we are very compatible and even agree on how to spend our money: good causes, traveling, and a Tempur-Pedic bed. Things are fantastic.

My question: How can I be any more smug?


You've stumped me, Holly. But thanks for sharing your good fortune.

I am obsessed with my girlfriend sitting on my face, so I can eat her out while my nose penetrates her. It drives her crazy as well. I am wondering if you have heard of a dildo that could be mounted on my face, specifically on my nose, so that I penetrate her more deeply while she sits on my face and I lick her clit? Basically, I want her to be able to really ride my face while I lick her clit.

Strange Fantasy Dude

"Sadly, there's no out-of-the-box solution I can recommend," says Cory Silverberg of Come As You Are, Toronto's worker-owned-and-operated sex shop. "There are harnesses that are meant to strap on to the head, like the Head-On Harness available at But it covers the mouth." So you wouldn't be able to eat your girlfriend out with one buckled to your face.

Cory continues, "And there is the often-poked-fun-at Accommodator." (A latex harness that straps a dildo to your chin and looks just as ridiculous as it feels.) "But it isn't hollow, so it couldn't be worn comfortably over the nose," he says. And finding something that fits comfortably over your nose is going to be your biggest problem.

"It would need to be hollow," explains Cory, "but it would need enough heft such that it wouldn't be constantly buckling and hitting you in the mouth or between the eyes. The tricky thing is that the nose is so close to the eyes, so anything with straps might dig in or at least go over the eyes in an uncomfortable way."

So what do you do?

"Get in touch with a good harness maker and ask if they do custom work," Cory recommends. "One of my favorites is Outlaw Leather in Seattle (" Outlaw Leather produces high-quality dildo harnesses and could, in theory, make you a dildo harness that fits comfortably over your nose. Custom work is expensive, of course. "But no one said dreams came cheap," says Cory.

But if you're going to go the custom-made route, SFD, I think you might have better luck with a custom-made hood. They're designed to be worn over the nose, and most have mouth openings. You could easily have one made with a wider mouth opening and an extended nosepiece.

"You could also go the Cyrano de Bergerac route," says Cory, "and look into getting a high-quality prosthesis that fits over the nose." He thinks the folks lurking at Pinocchia ( -- a site for guys into girls with big noses -- might have some idea where to get a prosthesis.

NOTE: I'm going to order everyone out there reading this to send a postcard to Barack Obama, reminding him that (1) he made certain promises to the gay community during the campaign (repeal DOMA, scrap DADT) and (2) he needs to keep 'em. Send your postcard to:

President-elect Barack Obama

Presidential Transition Office

Kluczynski Federal Building

230 S. Dearborn St., 38th Floor

Chicago, IL 60604.

Find more info at

Download the Savage Lovecast (Dan's weekly podcast) every Tuesday at To ask Dan Savage a question, write to

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