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Go With Whatcha Know 

Bush's new Iraq plan sounds familiar

President Bush had a tough time at the UN last week. You remember the UN -- that assemblage of countries standing in the way of the W Express Train bound for Democratization, Iraq. As it turns out, Bush miscalculated a bit. Apparently we do need international support, both in terms of manpower (you know, to help sweep up the accumulating rose petals at our troops' feet) and financially. Unfortunately, Bush's version of UN diplomacy turned out to be a train wreck.

This will have a significant impact on the $87 billion already asked from Americans for The War Against Terror in Iraq and Afghanistan. Billions more were expected from other countries; it doesn't look like that's going to happen anytime soon. In the words of Bush contemporary Scooby Doo: "Ruht-Roh."

America's now going to have to come up with even more than that $87 billion, which has left the Bush Administration scrambling for a contingency plan in a looming election year. Luckily for you, our beloved readers, we've obtained some potential points of that plan:

Cut taxes. Bush's economists estimate that cutting taxes further for the wealthiest 1 percent of Americans will bring in an additional $1.25 billion a year.

Install couches at all national monuments, parks and attractions. The Bush plan expects to find $135 million in loose change under the cushions.

Require all members of the House and Senate to sell blood platelets. With over 630 legislators bringing in $35 a month each, Bush budgetary formulas estimate over $1 billion annually.

Buy the Montreal Expos baseball team and move them to DC. The plan is to use the provisions of the Patriot Act to identify which Americans are watching the renamed Washington Freedom Fighters games on TV and which ones are, in fact, terrorists. You can command an awesome TV ad rate when you have 100 percent of the market share. The new team could also allow Dubya to check off item #6 on his "Things To Do Before I Die" list -- reacquire Sammy Sosa.

Bring back the draft, with provisions that the wealthy can buy their way out of having to serve. This will reduce the unemployment rate, fill in the gaps left by missing UN troops, as well as provide a steady cash flow. Buying your way out of combat duty is an American tradition Bush is familiar with; in business, you go with what you know.

When asked what he thought of the plan, Bush seemed pleased, "A couple of years ago, I couldn't even spell economics. Now I are one."

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