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Groin Mate vs. Soul Mate 

Why you don't want to marry your best friend

The trend these days is to claim that you're married to your best friend. Couples interviewed about what their "secret" is because they've been together for some ungodly amount of time say it, as well as celebrities, although they must have a lot of best friends considering how often they get hitched. Even old Joan Collins croaked it out recently regarding her recently bought whippersnapper less than half her age. Yeah, I bet he's her pocketbook's best friend -- how else could you face a 71-year-old snatch when you're 35?

Not only do I think it's unlikely that you married your best friend, my opinion is that such an act should be actively banned, like marrying your sibling, in part because a genuine best friend is like a sibling. True, it's better to marry a friend than an enemy, just so it's not your best friend, and here's why:

1. You need a best friend who's separate from your spouse to complain to about said spouse, the kind of really letting-it-fly griping you can't do to the neighbors. One of the things that makes your best friend just that is you can count on her to take your side against the bastard unless you're being a total lunatic. Even then they'll correct you in the gentlest possible way, although men will back each other up against "the bitch" no matter how mammoth a numbskull the husband is.

2. Do you really want to have relations with your best friend? Run it through your mind and see how appetizing it is. There's that sibling vibe again, and you're not supposed to want to sleep with your sibling unless you're in a Faulkner novel. Even if you're a woman who's been watching The L Word and thinking that a little girl-on-girl action might be hot for a change, the ideal candidate for mutual thigh-humping isn't your best friend.

Your BF knows your essence too well to also get in on all the creases of your flesh, whereas you and your spouse live halfway up each others' asses anyway, so you've got to hold something of your spirit back from them. One's your soul mate and the other's your groin mate. Yeah, yeah, I know, the two aren't totally mutually exclusive, but there's nobody I want seeing everything about me except the Lord, and He's not talking.

3. Your best friend is probably your same gender, so you can't get married anyway unless you're barreling toward San Francisco on some kind of chartered gay "let's-get-licensed" bus.

There's an almost twin-like quality to best friends, which is why they often resemble each other. Once when my best friend and I were in a bar, this drunk guy met each of us in different rooms and was convinced we were the same person. Upon realizing there were actually two of us, he gamely tried to take us both home.

4. You don't want to hate your BF, and if it's your spouse, you're going to now and then. Let's face it, marriage is a shit pit, literally if you're the one who scrubs the commodes, and there's gonna be some shit-flinging at your pit mate. Sometimes you hate them because of something they've done, and other times simply because you're balling up all your frustration in life and aiming it straight at the nearest warm body, but hey, it beats turning it against yourself! Spouses fulfill the occasionally necessary function of enemy for each other just as parents do for teenagers. We all need someone to get royally pissed off at in that sinus-clearing kind of way, but it shouldn't be your best friend.

5. Since best friendships gel fairly early in life, your BF probably has known you too long to be married to you. I've always found the concept of marrying a childhood sweetheart to be vilely stunted. You want to marry someone as late as possible while still being able to reproduce, precisely so they didn't know you "when" and therefore can't lob your youthful follies back at you during those inevitable marital skirmishes.

6. A best friend has a broader perspective on your life that comes from standing slightly outside of it, instead of being hunkered down in its trench alongside you like your spouse is. They also have an encouraging, nobler view of you precisely because they're not privy to all your failings -- and bodily functions.

7. Finally, a best friendship really is 'til death do you part, whereas a lot of marriages are more like ""til somebody better-looking do you part," or ""til a money meltdown do you part." You can't divorce your best friend, and thank God for it, because you'll need them to moan to after you and your spouse kick each other to the curb.

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