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Group groping 

Overcoming an impasse

I am a female in my 20s and will soon be marrying my boyfriend of four years. While most things are great between us, we do have one issue: group sex. He wants it, I don't.

After we met, my fiancé brought up the idea of group sex, and I agreed (though not wholeheartedly, I agreed to see what it was like). We met a couple or two. While I was OK with the encounters at the time, a day or so after, I was always kind of grossed out. I agreed to try group sex again, which we did -- and again, I was fine during, but skeeved after. He knows how I feel now, but I think he keeps hoping that I'll change my mind. Likewise, I keep hoping that he'll lose interest at some point.

Part of the issue is that while he did experiment before we met, I was (and am) his first and only penetrative sex partner. He also spends a lot of time online, which has led him to believe that many people have group sex and that it is a relatively normal thing to do. At the time we met, I was portraying (and thinking of) myself as a wild bisexual, but have since proved myself to be anything but. I feel bad about "false advertising," but I feel that I have "grown up" and out of the need to explore my sexuality. I've found someone with whom I am completely happy and by whom I am completely sexually satisfied.

Every so often, I'll tell him that we can try the group sex thing again, but after he's placed the ad, my pendulum has swung back in the opposite direction. I don't want to have sex with these people; I just want to have sex with him. At the same time, I want to want to have sex with these people. Do you think that there's any chance that it will ever happen?

Want To Want Group Sex

First off, WTWGS, the online popularity of a particular sex act or fetish is irrelevant where an individual's kinks are concerned. It's not as if people sit at home in front of their computers and wait for a kink to win a national popularity contest before they adopt it. ("Hey, honey! Infantilism won America's Next Top Fetish! Break out the Pampers!") So let's be clear: Your fiancé sought out group sex on the Internet because he was into group sex, rather than developing a thing for group sex after seeing how popular it was online.

As for how common group sex is in the real world, well, that's hard to say. If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say it's more common than some might think and less common than some might like. Until the national census includes a "Do you swing/engage in group sex/swap partners/get into cuckolding" question, more reliable data is going to be hard to come by.

But there is one hard number I can share with you: 100 percent of the men you're engaged to are into group sex. Your fiancé made that quite clear to you all along. So while it's wonderful that you've found someone by whom you're completely sexually satisfied, it's too bad your fiancé can't say the same.

Which brings us to the false-advertising issue. He was up-front about his desires and his need to be with someone who was at least as sexually adventurous as he is. (He deserves credit for being so up-front; some men would have married you first and asked questions about group sex later.) You presented yourself to him as the sexually adventurous girl he had been looking for -- you were the wild bisexual, the woman who, if she didn't quite share his passion for group sex, was at least open to group sex. If you're not that kind of woman -- or not that kind of woman anymore -- then you need to spell that out before the wedding. If marrying you means never having group sex again, he needs to know that now. He may counter with, "But being with me means having group sex!" If things reach that impasse, then perhaps you shouldn't marry each other.

As for learning to want it, well, there's one way to do that: Will yourself to get over those skeeved-out feelings. You may be done exploring, but the man you love may never be done exploring. Go along with him on his explorations (which, as they don't seem to involve penetrative sex with others, sound pretty damn safe), and learn to love his kinks as much as you love him. And if that's simply not possible -- and I'm not saying it would be easy or even advisable -- then, well, reread the previous paragraph.

To ask Dan Savage a question, write to mail@savagelove.net.

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